Monday, 26 September 2016

I tink I love her

"He call me wet aquafina
F*cked up his head like amnesia
We off patron margaritas in this club
Peepin' you and you peepin' me and I wanna give you this & some
Guaranteed that by the time you leave you'll be singin' 'bout it like an anthem
Would it be right, if I stay the night, give it all to you?
And I'm not in love, but I feel a buzz, it's what I wanna do"

Tink - Aquafina
(From Winter's Diary 4 mixtape; 2016

Capital C Choon alert. If you mentally change that "if I let you hit this cup you'll be saucy as Post Malone" lyric in the 2nd verse to "if I let you hit this cup I'll be sauceless like Post Malone" then Aquafine is the closest Tink has ever gotten to Waviness. The only thing more depressing than blk lasses sweatin' A$AP Folky is blk lasses sweatin' Milkavelli AKA the son of a banker-turnt-an unholy British hybrid of Yung Lean & Lil' Ugly Mane. Tumblr unleashed so many horrors which still linger in the internet's grubbiest outposts.

Sunday, 25 September 2016

So face reality, black, you're on Star Trek

Slick Rick - Star Trek
(From The Ruler's Back recording sessions; 1991)

Like Captain Caveman, Star Trek is one of those bugged-out concept songs Slick Rick recorded with Vance Wright for The Ruler's Back album which didn't see the light of day until the mid noughties. There's an also-unreleased Large Professor mix which tends to be considered the official version by yer boom-bap experts, but the O.G here is Hanna-Barbera boopity-boop shit par excellence a la all the best songs on The Ruler's Back. Truthfully, Quincy Jones could have remixed Star Trek with the sounds of Martian babes making first contact and it still wouldn't have mattered because there was no way Def Jam was ever going to release a song where Mr. Spock wanted to boldly go where Das Racist and Yung Gleesh went after him.

Friday, 23 September 2016

Generic list post: Get Too Deep In That Water And They Can't Save Ya!

"Bitch, I be in that water like some sand!"

10 rap songs that former British quiz game Rick "The Model" Martel CJ de Mooi could have jammed when drowning tramps in Amsterdam. Your shit is underground, my shit is underwater:

A-Wax - Gone Fishin' (2013)
AZ - Bodies Gotta Get Caught (2000)
Spice 1 - 187 He Wrote (1993)
Big Lurch - I Did It To You (2004)
Snoop Doggy Dogg - Murder Was The Case (Remix) (1994)
Necro - Dead Body Disposal (2001)
Soulja Boy - Came Out The Water (2012)
Kool G. Rap - Executioner Style (1995)
Wooh Da Kid ft. Waka Flocka Flame & Bo Deal - Body Bag (2010)
Gravediggaz - 6 Feet Deep (1994)

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Breakin' Atoms

Spice - Siddung
(From t'internet; 2016)

What's left of Albert Einstein's decayed todger rose from the grave when he heard what Spice compared her pum to on this one. The wicked witch of St. Catherine via Finsbury Park is just takin' the fackin' piss right now because Siddung's hook is possibly the most downright evil Auto-Tune has ever sounded. Proper Alpha 60 vybz.

Added this one to my best of Spice 2014/2015/2016 playlist, natch.

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

The Show forreal forreal

It was the moment I desired - finally a Slick Rick U.K tour! The Ruler's first time back on the manor since him & Doug did The Show on Top Of The Pops in 1985 apparently. He's even gonna be bubblin' in Dublin for Donal & this blog's 6 Irish readers. The only question here is, is his live show any cop?

Ya host caught the Pete Rock & CL Smooth reunion tour a couple of weeks ago and Pete Rock accidentally managed to piss off the REAL HIP HOP brigade by playing Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees as their intro, while CL was a surprisingly consummate performer/convivial raconteur with crystal clear vox, banter about British sport, and corresponding dance routines for every song: hulking out for I Get Physical, a variation on the cooking dance for The Main Ingredient, finger countin' for One In A Million, air-saxophone for T.R.O.Y and so on. The only downside was they did Lots Of Lovin' when everybody was waiting for All Souled Out or even a medley of Skinz and The Basement.

Old rappers should be heard live and not seen on t'internet. Pete Rock is gonna have kittens if he ever catches wind of that Instagram video of the mother & toddler rapping along to TEC & Maine Musik's Ain't No Coming Down.

Monday, 19 September 2016


(Just kiddin' like Jason. Don't ever mention Mozzy to Yung Cat.)

"Can't f*ck with us and then go f*ck with the other side
You just committed suicide"

Yung Cat - Same N*ggas Who Popped Me
(From Drilla City 2 album; 2016)

File this under ‘melancholy Kansas City Husalahwave about friends being spotted in pix with enemies on Instagram’ and ‘the inverse Want My Brother Back where remorse has been replaced with revenge.’ Yung Cat has yet to shoot a promo for this one because he's been busy filming videos for his neighbourhood rapper buddy Bandoe who got shot in the face and the rap group comprised of his 4 daughters Daddies Girls. Everybody eats off that YouTubeploitation money in the BGM 'burb when Yūng Yamaguchi's camera starts rollin'.

Sunday, 18 September 2016

He got a hit fulla corny words, yet he still can't afford these furs

(© the proto-wavy Check 1,2.)

A-Wax & Smigg Dirtee - Posse Up
(From the Siccness servers; 2005)

Smigg Dirtee reckons Posse Up was the first rap video to be shot specifically for the internet, and there may be some truth at the core of his lofty claim because I can't think of any other pre-YouTube rap videos which weren't shot for a DVD or weren't intended for play on some local late night TV show, certainly not for songs from mixtapes anyway. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION 'WAX & SMIGG'S TRENDSETTING, LOOK AT WHAT THEY BROUGHT TO THE TABLE BEFORE PARANOID P!

What Smigg Dirtee doesn't address here is that he's clearly wearing A-Wax's grey fur from the Thug Deluxe front & back covers in the video. Just a couple of west coast gangsta-rappers of indeterminate ethnic origin playin' swapsies with each other's clothes, bless 'em.

Saturday, 17 September 2016

I got a friend with a poll in the basement

Childish Gambino-izized Swag-Rap is 2016's most surprisingly effective new micro-genre, but which song is its ne plus ultra? Vote now from the 2 choices below, and plz bear in mind that if you answer Broccoli then you're gonna end up wearing a plaster on your clock like Nelly Nel.

Aminé - Caroline
(From Caroline single; 2016)

Big Baby D.R.A.M - Cash Machine
(From Cash Machine single; 2016)

I'm a Caroline man meself, but the 2 songs work best together as a semi-detox on those days I've listened to nowt but Uncle Murda and WNC Carlos. Like Mystikal nearly said on Let's Get 'Em, 10% of the appeal is aesthetic, 90% of the potency is timin'.

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Reasons why I love YouTube # 74

Today marks the 20 year anniversary of 2Pac going back to the essence hotfooting it to Cuba to live in Lord Lucan's villa with D.B Cooper and him from the Manic Street Preachers - time flies when Nas vs Jay-Z fanboys, KanYesplainers, Drake-dickriders, and Young Thug thinkpiecers have long since replaced 2Pac conspiracists as the rap-internet's most irritating fanbase, right? Here's 'Pac's 1994 Source Awards performance of Out On Bail where him and his crew bumrushed the stage right before Q-Tip made a speech; an iconic moment in rap history which most of us had only ever heard murky rumours of before the invention of the 'Tube:

Thug Life: Volume 1 gotta be a top 5 most noteworthy rap album to get its original track list butchered by sample clearance red tape. To wit, Out On Bail was supposed to be its first single but ended up gettin' shelved, as did its title track and my own personal favourite unreleased 'Pac joint F*ck All Y'all.

Monday, 12 September 2016

Louisiana Trombones alert! (part 2)

There's only 2 types of rap fans in this world nowadays, my friend - those who like mumble-rap and those who like shout-rap (no Craig G.) Here at The Martorialist we've been #TeamSpitItWithAClearTone since Slick Rick first breezed into town, but in the great rap wars of 2016, ya host is aligning himself with #TeamShout purely on the strength of Baton Rouge's new Trill Fam young'n WNC Carlos AKA 70th Street Carlos. Carlos is a rapper who seems to understand his USP in the field, thus his first solo track combines everything good about the mutant Bounce spazz of Bang Out and the Mardi Gras-core of Who You Playing With. Know thy strengths and stick to 'em.

"When you broke ain't nobody ever holla
Now like Instagram everybody follow
And all my bitches bad, look like a model
And my muhf*ckin' circle smaller than a f*ckin' toddler
You'll get your ass popped just like a collar
Bitch, what you mean - do we got a fuckin' problem?"

WNC Carlos - Keep A Glock
(From the internet; 2016)

*EDIT* Transpires that this is a jack oflocal Baton Rouge hit from july featuring none other than Larry from Cross Me and Bang Out, only here he's BBE Larry rather than JMM Larry. Who'd a thunk a nu-generation rapper from the Chemical City would be big fan of mediocre late-career producer compilations by Pete Rock and Marley Marl? 2016's first rap video to be partially set in the same dingy alleyway where Mean Gene Okerlund witnessed One Man Gang being reborn as Akeem after Slick cast an ancient African spell on a smoking garbage can.

Saturday, 10 September 2016

I snort, I pop, I'm supposed to stop but I'm not

"She love the long hair, She love the gold teeth
She love how I pop pills, how I don't O.D"

Ezale - Stop Come On
(From Ezale & DJ Fresh's The Tonite Show album; 2016)

From the hotel, motel, holiday in Cambodia. Dru Danh AKA Yung Pierre Chang really needs to break out the Gucci bulletproof vest again for this one. It ain't the best song on Ezale & DJ Fresh's Tonite Show, but it is the one with future #HitTheEzaleChallenge potential.

Friday, 9 September 2016

Fanatic of the B-side part 2

Since every modern rap mixtape coulda/shoulda been boiled down to a 2-track single, let's consider Public Housing as the flip side to Gods Crying. The wistful calm after the tropical stormer if you will:

"This a cold, cold world - so sick
These n*ggas gotta be 666, how the hell you shootin' these lil' kids?"

Lil' Chris - Gods Crying
(From t'internet; 2015/Conscious Trap mixtape; 2016)

"And my teacher told me I'd never be shit
And this who you want to teach me shit?"

Lil' Chris - Public Housing
(From Conscious Trap mixtape; 2016)

Don'tcha just hate when rappers post Instagram snippets of songs and then don't include the aforementioned songs on their next project? Ezale's Tonite Show album is missing this track, while Lil' Chris' Conscious Trap mixtape doesn't include some track he posted a teaser of which sounded like a Flo Rida Rap & Bullshit jam.

Thursday, 8 September 2016

Louisiana Trombones alert!

"I'm Mr. Bang Bang, shout out to Greg
That choppa the same length as my leg
You know my circle's smaller than an egg
Ima get it out the mud before I beg
Look, bitch, you got me twisted like a dread"

WNC Da Label - Who You Playing With
(From YouTube; 2016)

Apparently the WNC lads are now signed to Trill ENT. Once upon a rhyme this would have been a good career move, but in 2016 all it means is that Turk will just steal their best songs and give 'em to Lil' Trill. Oh well, we'll always have Cross Me, Bang Out, Who You Playing With, and the summer Baton Rouge rap went dumb.

State of that graffiti backdrop in the video, though. Even 13 or 14 year old-me & my mate Blythin painted hotter shit than that and I can prove it:

Tuesday, 6 September 2016

Louie here forever like syrup stains

It's taken half a decade, but one of the last unheard highlights from King Louie's secret Dope & Shrimp sampler has finally found its way onto t'internet at large: We Like To Party AKA the only song recorded during the 2011 Drill explosion to combine Top Billin' with La Di Da Di and still sound like Chicago's 'ardest shit since Bump J.

"Roll me up, shoot me up, I'm dope as f*ck"

King Louie - We Like To Party
(From what should have been the Dope & Shrimp mixtape; 2011)

I don't subscribe to the idea that everyone who writes about rap should know their 80's alphabets from the Awesome Foursome to the Z-3 MC's, but if you ain't down with songs like La Di Da Di and Top Billin' then you simply have shitty taste in music and your musings about what constitutes a bangeur are not to be trusted.

Saturday, 3 September 2016

It was a saturday night on the streetz of Cali...

"Hit the doors like 2 titans, the whole jam stopped to stare
And as we walked through the crowd, they threw bills in the air"

That new Nef The Pharaoh mixtape is quite literally just a bunch of songs he doesn't consider good enough to make his debut album, so ya host is gonna spend the weekend jammin' DJ Step One's best of Ice-T mix instead. Home Of The Bodybag, New Jack Hustler, Drama, 6 'N The Mornin', You Played Yourself, Mind Over Matter, Bitches 2, O.G. Original Gangster, and Soul On Ice are all present and correct so it'd feel churlish to complain about the absence of Squeeze The Trigger, The Tower, and Straight Up N*gga. How can you be dowwwwwwn? Peep below:

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Generic list post: August 2016

Obligatory wrap-up post of those songs I've played most during the month when Andre 3000's guest appearance on that new Frank Ocean album wasn't even the biggest surprise cameo of August.

OutKast - Roaches & Rats (1996)
A-Wax - Dead People (2010)
Rich Boy - All I Know (2011)
Ezale - We Want Some Pussy (2016)
Rae Sremmurd ft. Gucci Mane - Black Beatles (2016)
WNC Carlos ft. JMM Larry & SOG Sherwood Flame - Cross Me (2016)
Mic Terror - I Don't Call The Cops (2016)
Uncle Murda - Cam'Ron Voice (2016)
Ka - That Cold and Lonely (2016)
Mr. Vegas - Nuh Play Pokémon (2016)
Timaya - Bang Bang (2016)

Other notables: Pneumonia doesn't bang as hard as When It Rain, but it's still got me excited for a new Danny Brown album - a notion which was inconceivable two years ago; Childish Gambino-does-Swag Rap is not something I'd enjoy in theory, but I'll be damned if Aminé's Caroline isn't a jam of sorts; All Dat is ya host's favourite TREE song since Naan; not a good month for Nef The Pharaoh since his new single Everything Big and the DEV song he guested on were both disappointments; 38 Baby is the first NBA YoungBoy song which suggests that he has a future beyond being just another trendy teenage gangbanger-rapper; I listened to Young Thug's Jeffery EP thing and came to the conclusion that I should stop frontin' on Pick Up The Phone just because of Travis $cott's co-billing; the rest of Thug's EP? No' Fa Me as a Scottish Devin The Dude might say.

Monday, 29 August 2016

I never ghost rode whips, ghosts rode in my whips

"Dead people - I see 'em still
I see 'em in motion, I see 'em bein' still
Shhhh - dead people only I can view
When the time is right, wait until it's opportun'
Walkin' out the house, desert eagle on the side
Broad daylight I'm seein' people that've died
Some of natural causes, some were murdered
Some were actual losses, others deserved it"

A-Wax - Dead People
(From Nightmare From Elm Street Vol. 1 mixtape; 2010)

A-Wax over the best Sid Roams beat on Prodigy's Product Of The 80's album shoulda been the main theme to It Follows. Only weirdos care about whether rappers really live what they spit, but those rappers who've caught a body do tend to be the vividest authors when it comes to Murder Rap. "Seein' people I ain't got no business seein', I remember just feelin' like it was him or me.."

Sunday, 28 August 2016

Reasons why I love YouTube # 73

No matter how awful the BBC's Are You Being Served? reboot is tonight, console yourself with the knowledge that it can't possibly be any worse than the early 80s Aussie remake which John Inman agreed to star in (presumably because of the huge sums of money Oz's Network Ten threw at him to reprise his role of Mr. Humphries during the winter shooting breaks from the U.K series in 1980/1981, because colonialism will live forever Down Under, and because all of Australia's own campest gay blokes were busy playing for the national cricket team during those years.) The show is a bizarro-world Are You Being Served? where all the characters and plots are near-identical to David Lloyd & Jeremy Croft's O.G series, but Mr. Humphries is the only person who can deliver a gag and everyone else sounds like yung Mel Gibson or au naturel Iggy Azalea:

... And yet it's still not close to being the biggest shitcom remake of all time. That honour belongs to either the 'Murican pilot episode of Peep Show or the British version of Married With Children with Russ Abbot as Al Bundy.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Late pass: when you come up out the A you got that stupid Feng Shui

The one type of song my best of Kap G playlist was lacking in was yer standard bangeur-with-barz, so luckily enough I recently came across a nice lil' loosie from january which fits that bill to a tee. Get in where In The A fits in at track number 8 below:

Monday, 22 August 2016

I wasn't on the roads when Donna Summer made Love To Love You

40 essential joints which didn't make Pitchfork's best 200 songs of the 70's listicle. Don't get it twisted - ya host ain't actually read the P4K piece, but someone copy & pasted it elsewhere and I noticed a shitload of glaring omissions which were probably cut at the expense of a plethora of overrated singles by the likes of David Bowie, Patti Smith + Bruce Springsteen, and a bunch of the usual wanky Jazz songs which music critics always pretend to like for listicles like this.

Funkadelic - I Bet You (1970)
Shirley Bassey - Light My Fire (1970)
Santana - Oye Como Va (1970)
The Stooges - Loose (1970)
Curtis Mayfield - (Don't Worry) If There's A Hell Below.. (1970)
Dennis Coffey and the Detroit Guitar Band - Scorpio (1971)
Baby Huey - Listen To Me (1971)
Roy Budd - Get Carter (Main Theme) (1971)
Groundhogs - Cherry Red (1971)
Al Green - Simply Beautiful (1972)
Johnny Cash - A Thing Called Love (1972)
Lyn Collins - Think (About It) (1972)
The J.B's - The Grunt (1972)
Cymande - The Message (1972)
Elton John - Bennie And The Jets (1973)
The Honey Drippers - Impeach The President (1973)
Billy Joel - Worse Comes To Worst (1973)
James Brown - Papa Don't Take No Mess (7" edit) (1973)
Maceo & The Macks - Parrty (1974)
Isaac Hayes - Hung Up On My Baby (1974)
Hall & Oates - Sara Smile (1975)
Bernard Herrmann - Taxi Driver (Main Theme) (1976)
Bill Conti - Gonna Fly Now (1976)
Steely Dan - Black Cow (1977)
Robin The Frog - Halfway Down The Stairs (1977)
The Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict (1977)
Ronnie Hazelhurst - Are You Being Served? (Theme) (1977)
AC/DC - Whole Lotta Rosie (1978)
The Misfits - Bullet (1978)
Kraftwerk - The Robots (1978)
John Carpenter - Halloween (Main Theme) (1978)
The Bar-Kays - Holy Ghost (1978)
Rick James - Mary Jane (1978)
Linda Clifford - Runaway Love (12" version) (1978)
Joe Walsh - In The City (1979)
Madness - One Step Beyond (1979)
Anita Ward - Ring My Bell (1979)
The Sequence - Funk You Up (1979)
Spoonie Gee - Spoonin' Rap (1979)
Motörhead - Bomber (1979)

Related: I was on the roads when Madonna made Crazy For You.

EDIT: one of the Japanese lads turned this post into a Milq playlist. Arigato, PG slick like El Gato.