Sunday, 17 December 2017

Nigerian Whip

DJ Consequence ft. YCEE - In A Benz
(From In A Benz single; 2016)

Late pass! Another unfortunate consequence of Brexit is that Nigerian Afro-Bashment Grime is now officially better than proper British Dunkirk spirit Grime. Not a particularly impressive feat on paper since the only Legit Jam™ of the traditional British boutique-Grime revival is that Stormzy tune with the prophetic David Moyes zinger, but a banger is a banger no matter the competition.

Bit unfair that YCEE is now the Juice guy when Omo Alhaji is still his best song. Bitch, there's consequences if your wrong track blows up.

Thursday, 14 December 2017

The obligatory best rap songs of 2017 post

Question: Who is Will High's least favorite premier league footballer?
Answer: Alex Cannibal Oxlade-Chamberlain!

2017: the year when ya host went from gettin' views with the bloggin' to makin' the news with the bloggin'. The Martorialist: officially the only rap blog to inspire a Mac Dre weed carrier to record a Ludacris dis in 2017.

Had a blast with the bloggin' this year even though I don't understand what's going on in rap anymore: A$AP Folky Malone is bigger than ever; New York rap somehow continues to get worse and worse; the main artists who fall under the umbrella of Soundcloud-rap are almost universally terrible to my ears; mid-tempo trap beats with that same damn drum pattern are a billion times more played out than Kwame's polka dots could ever be; and people are actually spending their time watching videos of Joe Budden and DJ Akademiks argue about music rather than spend their time actually listening to music.

Oh well - at least I heard less Drake songs than any year since 2010 and didn't have the misfortune to stumble on a single KanYe West think-piece all year. And then there were these songs which made all the other bullshit in rap tolerable. As ever, no order of preference, but I'm gonna do things slightly different this post:

Best old songs which were finally released this year:
Camp Lo - Camp Lo (Bust Ya Down)
T-Pain & Lil' Wayne - Listen To Me
MF DOOM & Madlib - Avanlache

Best songs from 2015/early 2016 which blew up this year:
Level & Mouse On Tha Track - I Bet You Won't
Valee - Shell (O.G version)

Best songs of the past year:
OMB Peezy - Lay Down (O.G version)
Quelle Chris - Buddies
70th Street Carlos - Bag It Up
70th Street Carlos & WNC Whop Bezzy - Trell
Creek Boyz - With My Team (O.G version)
French Montana ft. Swae Lee - Unforgettable
Open Mike Eagle - Brick Body Complex
Queen Key - My Way or Kung Fu
Baby Soulja ft. Boosie BadAzz - Dirty
Boosie BadAzz - Webbie I Remember
Migos - T-Shirt
Nef The Pharaoh - My Way (Freestyle)
Tay-K - The Race
Rich The Factor ft. The Popper - Aristocrat
SOB X RBE - Humble
Doughboyz Cashout ft. B. Ryan - This Is How We Move It
Rich Homie Quan - Word Of Mouth
Yung Cat - Killa City Party
Count Bass D ft. Snoop Dogg - Too Much Pressure
GoldLink ft. Brent Faiyaz & Shy Glizzy - Crew
Dru Down - My 501's
Poohman ft. Yukmouth, Keak Da Sneak & Dru Down - Cookies & Drank
Street Knowledge - Dru Down Flow
BallGreezy ft. Lil' Dred - Nice & Slow
Kodak Black - Patty Cake
AllStar Lee - The Fresh Prince Of Brick Mile
Lor Choc - Fast Life
Shabazz Palaces ft. Thaddillac - Shine A Light
Ralo - Calm Down Ralo
Roc Marciano - Killing Time
Que Almighty ft. 70th Street Carlos & JMM Larry - Put That On Gang
Ayo & Teo - Lit Right Now
Mozzy - Sleep Walkin'

Best rap song with no rapping:
8 Bit Universe - XO Tour Llif3 (8 Bit Remix)

Best songs featuring British people rapping:
J Hus - Did You See
MoStack - Let It Ring
Sneakbo ft. Giggs - Active

If you're the person who turns this post into a playlist then do it on YouTube. A handful of these songs aren't on Spotify/Apple etc in any form, and I don't cosign those jankey re-recorded versions of Lay Down and With My Team or the extended version of Shell on all the official streaming sites.

Related: the best non-rap songs of 2017 IMO.

Tuesday, 12 December 2017

2017's best non-rap songs IMO

Beanie Sigel didn't do much, in 2017 non-rap music didn't do much for ya host. Whether this was down to me or the music is up for debate, but a buncha my favourite artists of recent years didn't deliver in 2017: Spice fired blanks all year; Kwamz & Flava dropped a string of forgettable singles; Dexta Daps seemed to run out of catchy choonz; Tinashe ain't made shit dope since Touch Pass in 2016; Shift K3Y's best song of 2017 was merely aiight; and New Age Muzik are still stuck in Two Song Wonder limbo.

Weird thing is, I wasn't particularly arsed because it just meant the songs I loved felt like they were minor miracles, and it gave me more time to go back and discover/rediscover gems from the past. Here's 20 songs which I truly, madly, deeply lurved this year; no order of preference but Tove Lo's Disco Tits is by far my favorite 2017 song of the non-rap variety innit:

Favourite non-rap songs of 2017:
Tove Lo - Disco Tits
Fifth Harmony - He Like That
Ty Dolla $ign - Message In A Bottle
Jacquees & Dej Loaf - At The Club
Busy Signal - Go Again
Wande Coal & DJ Tunez - Iskaba
Diron Animal - Don't Stop
Donae'o - Black/Bounce (Social Circles Remix)
Jorja Smith - On My Mind
The Style Council - Long Hot Summer (Chuggz Refix)

Favourite non-rap song discoveries/rediscoveries of 2017:
The Phantom - Love Me (1960)
Al Green - Dream (1977)
The Brat - Leave Me Alone (1980)
Haircut 100 - Ski Club (1982)
Fun Boy Three - Best Of Luck Mate (1982)
Ago - Stop Your Life (1982)
Junei - Let's Ride (1987)
George Michael - Kissing A Fool (1987)
Wamdue Kids - Hypnotize (1995)
Tove Lo - Bitches (2016)

Warning: do not click that Tove Lo Bitches link if you're in work/on public transport/chillin' with your kid.

Sunday, 10 December 2017

Step In The Arena

Jack The Snipper the man not the myth AKA DJ Step One. Three will forever be the magic number, so here's a trifecta of incredible and very crucial edits Step made on my behalf. Shout out to Shifty Shellshock, Doggy Dogg, and Billy Brown - we in this bitch!

Basically, Lil' Peep's best song minus the guest ponce with the lisp who sounds like he belongs hosting a Pitchfork podcast about K-Pop groups. Think Lil' Peep was just the Yank mallrat version of Milkavelli? No problemo, because this Girls edit works best if you envision it as a comeback single by the Butterfly band instead.

Lady Of Rage's Afro Puffs is a perfect song which didn't require any sort of alternate mix, but that extended version of the remix with Snoop's freestyle intro is way too good to waste on a track that's otherwise superfluous. Hence, I got Step to weld the intro together with the outro where Snoop extols Rage's virtues. The result? The 2nd best Snoop song not from Doggystyle innit.

The strip club scene in Buffalo '66 is one of cinema's most beautifully choregraphed fusions of music and moving image, but ain't naan a non-Prog Rock fan wanna listen to Yes' Heart Of The Sunrise once the tempo switches and the eunoch from Yorkshire starts singing. Step snipped that shit off at the exact moment the song pulls its okie-doke, binned the remaining 7 minutes of gentile flotsam & jetsam, and left us with an instrumental babel which spans time, space and titties.

Friday, 8 December 2017

Obligatory annual post about some U.K Road Rap tune

"Man touch road like a cab man
Old skool, man just jump out with mad man
No tool, man just jump out and grab man
Man's been known as the bad man
Man jump out, chop, kebab man
Local, man jump out, pop and bag man
Phone call, man just boxed up and bat man
Pop up, man like Sneakbo & Batman"

Sneakbo ft. Giggs - Active
(From Active single/FIFA 18 soundtrack; 2017)

Man'll take this Jetski & Hollowman business over ALL that U.K faux-Drill bollocks. Man'd rather catch the Holy Ghost to a proper spooky vocal sample as opposed to some played-out monochromatic production with Stars & Stripes in its eyes.

PS: my last post about Giggs was a bit of a classic if I do say so meself.

Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Reasons why I love YouTube: Drew's Down

Cheers to Tha Barber for sending this clip my way - Dru Down performing Baby Bubba and Can You Feel Me to a bunch of confused teenagers on Teen Summit in 1996. Skip forward to the 4 minute mark unless you wanna see Mos Def trying to interview DJ Hiro and an awkward performance by some Rhode Island dance troupe:

Speaking of Tha Barber, when is Drew gonna drop an Old Rap Shit column about the Suge Knight versus Kevin Federline beef? Not so much a case of Suge playing Chris Crocker, more another instance of Suge's utter contempt for dudes who got their start "all up in the videos.. dancing!"

Bonus beats: that 2017 remake of M.C. Pooh's 1990 slap classico Fuckin' With Dank featuring Yukmouth, Keak Da Sneak & Dru Down is way better than it has any right to be:

Poohman ft. Yukmouth, Keak Da Sneak & Dru Down - Cookies & Drank
(From t'internet; 2017)

Monday, 4 December 2017

Angola's alright...

Angola's alright if you like beaches and sisters! Angola's alright if you don't like Jazz! Angola's alright if you like tropical country's which actually have seasons! Angola's alright if you like undeniable pop bangeurs built on synthetic saxobeat riffs!

Diron Animal - Don't Stop
(From Alone album; 2017)

Damn, homie - even Mystic Meg couldn't have predicted that 2017's entry in the In The Dark-core canon would be some random Afrobeats jam outta Angola which currently has less than 7 thousand views on the 'Tube.

Saturday, 2 December 2017

I got a friend with a poll in the basement

G'z up, who's down for a Foe Life versus Connected For Life poll? Mack 10's best solo bam-bam versus the last classic song Ice Cube was involved in; peak G-Funk versus Mannie Fresh goes to Inglewood. Choose wisely like you're a panelist on Jukebox Jury.

"Fool, I'm a vet and you can bet
that I can dance underwater and not get wet!"

Mack 10 - Foe Life
(From Mack 10 album; 1995)

"Chickenhawk, if I see a bird then I gotta get it
So if your 'hood come up short then I prolly did it"

Mack 10 ft. Ice Cube, WC & Butch Cassidy - Connected For Life
(From Bang Or Ball album; 2001)

I'm a Connected For Life man meself usually, but Foe Life is sounding particularly formidable today. Mart 10 takes the stand, your honour I'm a changed man.

(Didn't bother to embed either song's video in this post because the Foe Life video is missing the intro, while the the Connected For Life video is the clean version. Mack10VEVO badly needs a refit.)

Thursday, 30 November 2017

Generic list post: November 2017

Obligatory wrap-up post of those songs I've played most during the month when the Luniz & Michael Marshall musta got a fat cheque from Müller's British department.

Lil' Jon - Play No Games (Instrumental) (2003)
Baby Soulja ft. Boosie Badazz - Dirty (2017)
Nef The Pharaoh - My Way (Freestyle) (2017)
70th Street Carlos & WNC Whop Bezzy - Trell (2017)
WNC Whop Bezzy & 70th Street Carlos - Chill (2017)
Wande Coal & DJ Tunez - Iskaba (2017)
Tove Lo - Bitches (2017)

Other notables: that new recording of Creek Boyz With My Team is a travesty (don't say I didn't warn you about 300 ruining songs!); the only part I like of the proper new Creek Boyz single is the intro over the Never Blink sample; Rude is the first 03 Greedo single I've kinda dug; been enjoying Yung Cat's Fat Tone homages this year but his Ima Getcha flip isn't a patch on its source material; on a similar Kansas City history-of-slaps-past tip, Rich The Factor's Luther is a way better song than his previous track of the same title; how is Ya Boy Big Choo gonna drop a Halloween song when he still hasn't released that Hustla remix he's been teasin' since frigging february?; Ma$e's The Oracle is some Joe Budden gossip-vlog fodder that isn't even a quarter as entertaining as his infamous Hot 97 argument with Jim Jones.

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

One 4 the Britz: The Beat to Da Beat

The Beat - Mirror In The Bathroom
(From I Just Can't Stop It album; 1980)

Birmingham's alright if you like t'Sabbath and saxophones. People often dismiss the U.K 2 Tone scene as a buncha nutty boys over cod-Ska, but there were some spooky-arse songs to be found too. Grosse Point Blank is no Point Break let alone a Point Blank, but it does have something special both those movies lack: a John Cusack versus Benny Urquidez fight scene set to Mirror In The Bathroom.

New Age Muzik - Da Beat
(From Da Beat single; 2016)

Still the best U.K rapfrobeats song not recorded by J Hus, imho. Bare Makosi and Anthony in the hot tub sensual vybz (for best results bump Da Beat in my top 10 non-rap jams of 2016 Audiomack playlist!) Not sure what's sadder here, though: that Da Beat never blew up, or that Ari Ya is the only other New Age Muzik song I've liked.

Sunday, 26 November 2017


"Bitch, you better chill just like some ice in here
You know how I roll just like some dice in here
I'll leave a n*gga blind just like some mice in here
He gon' need the Lord, he gon' need Christ in here
Revolver hold 5 like Derrius Guice in here"

WNC Whop Bezzy & 70th Street Carlos - Chill
(From Shid Who? mixtape; 2017)

Not as good as Trell, but not half bad. 70th Street Carlos & WNC Whop Bezzy over Trel Itz A Hit are sorta like the Baton Rouge equivalent of M.O.P over Dr. Period. There's a slight difference, though: M.O.P had mad soul like an orthopedic shoe, whereas WNC got mad straps like a Tevas sandal.

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Right turn, 'Cyde

Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of The Pharcyde's debut album, and yet their performance of Ya Mama on the British youf TV show The Word in 1992 still hasn't found its way to YouTube. Never mind, though, because some fanboy on the 'Tube has made a video for the Bizarre Ride II the Pharcyde song which was never a single but really, really, really shoulda been:

The Pharcyde - Officer (unofficial video)
(From YouTube; 2017)

Oi Terry "Tezza" Christian - remove that Nonce Harris video from your The Word YouTube channel, homie, and put the Pharcyde video up in its place.

Bonus beats: we'll always have the times Public Enemy, Onyx, Digable Planets, Cypress Hill, and Snoop performed on The Word. LMFAO @ the show's bookers choosing Craig Mack over Biggie during the 1995 Bad Boy U.K tour, though.

Friday, 24 November 2017

"It's like people die when their phones do"

As must be obvious, this is a phone hovered over by Mr. Death - an omnipresent player to the third and final act of every conversation. It's been said that what follows this conversation is one of the unfathomable mysteries: an area of darkness which we, the living, reserve for the dead — or so it is said. For in a moment, a rapper will try to cross that bridge which separates IRL and URL, and, of course, he must take the only known route, that indistinct highway through the region we call The Dating Zone:

"I felt so alone, who knew it was all just a broken phone?
Because I ain't never been with a ghost befo'
Because I ain't never been with a ghost befo'"

Open Mike Eagle - Dating Ghosts
(From Soundcloud; 2017)

Linked this in my October wrap-up post, but it deserves proper attention. Open Mike Eagle shouldn't let this one languish as a secerete Halloween Soundcloud exclusive, and shoot a video for it which explains how ghosts went from being inside the machines to being the machines making ghosts of humans.

Tuesday, 21 November 2017

Thanx 4 the beat, shout out 2 Trel

"Before I leave the house I make sure to say a prayer
Shit, 'cause all these n*ggas hatin' I can smell it in the air"

70th Street Carlos & WNC Whop Bezzy - Trell
(From Shid Who? mixtape; 2017)

Ah, so this is that, and what this/that is is some jeep beat beserker Bounce. Real Hip Hop™ is when rappers record homage songs in tribute to their in-house producers. True story - the realest shit I wrote this year was that post about the parallels between the WNC tracks Trel Itz A Hit is behind and the Just Ice joints Mantronix was in the boiler room for.

PS: when I say jeep beat plz believe I ain't talking about Dave The Ruf.

Sunday, 19 November 2017

Craig Bayvid

"I met her on a monday, I called her on a tuesday
Knocked her on a thursday, and sent her on a friday
If that pussy mine Ima have her on the highway"

Nef The Pharaoh - My Way (Freestyle)
(From t'internet; 2017)

Already mentioned that I like this beatjack of Beeda Weeda & Lil' Kev's My Way more than Nef's most recent single Drop Addy, but I prefer it to Nef's latest single Poppin' Again too. New rule: from this point forward, rappers are only allowed to beatjack songs they had as their profile songs on MySpace.

Thus, today's topic: joints you had as your profile songs on MySpace? I'd alternate between classics like Spoonie Gee's Love Rap, DJ Quik's Safe And Sound or UGK's The Game Belongs To Me with MySpace exclusives like Jacka's Heavy Rain, Mic Terror's Juke Them Hoes, or Prodigy's Raining Guns And Shanks.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Generic list post: Dead Rappers Get Better Promotion

30 bona fide classic choonz by rappers who've died since ya host started bloggin' in late 2008. Meet me at the crossroads like Bone Thugs, lads.

Prodigy - Keep It Thoro (2000)
The Jacka - Aspen (2007)
MCA of Beastie Boys - What Comes Around (1989)
Grip Plyaz - Ray Lewis (2013)
Heavy D - The Overweight Lover's In The House (1987)
Lil' Phat - Countin' Money (2012)
Phife of A Tribe Called Quest - 8 Million Stories (1993)
Nate Dogg - I Got Love (2001)
Young Ready ft. C-Loc & Max Minelli - 1 Rubber (2007)
Shawty Lo - Dey Know (2007)
Guru of Gang Starr - Code Of The Streets (1994)
Speaker Knockerz - Lonely (2013)
Big Bank Hank of Sugarhill Gang - Rapper's Delight (1979)
Nu$$ie - They Hate My (2008)
MC Breed ft. 2Pac - Gotta Get Mine (1993)
Govna Mattic ft. Outsidaz, Roz Noble, Redman etc - Family Day (1997)
Mr. 3-2 - Comin' Down (1996)
Fresh Kid Ice - Dick 'Em Down (Chinaman Mix) (1992)
Doe B ft. T.I. - Homicide (2014)
Mac Daddy of Kris Kross - Da Streets Ain't Right (1996)
Sean Price ft. Tek - Onion Head (2005)
Magic - What (2002)
Lil' Snupe - Ketchup Intro (2013)
Big Syke & Johnny J - Forever Ballin' (1996)
Tommy Hill of RAM Squad - Unfortunate (1996)
Bankroll Fresh ft. Travis Porter & Boochie - Walked In (2015)
Chinx Drugz - Superlight (2011)
Da Real Gee Money - Take It There (2016)
Dot-A-Rock of The Fantastic Five - Can I Get A Soul Clap (1982)
Killa Sha - Nightshifting (2011)

Nowt by Lil' Peep because the one song of his I liked was ruined by the guest bloke who sounded like someone from a Pitchfork podcast.

Monday, 13 November 2017

My momma his momma neighbour, I owe him 100 favours

"N*ggas be loudmouth until they hear that 'K buss
Potato on the barrel, I don't really like to say much
I catch him at his bitch house with his dick out where he cake up
And leave what he was thankin' on the blanket by her make-up'"

PC Tweezie ft. Murk - Pay Up
(From Palm Beach Post mixtape; 2015)

Who knew Trel Itz A Hit was lacing random Florida rappers back in 2015? Not me.

Sunday, 12 November 2017

Roberto Di Matteo's Waiting

Hi kidz, do you like Venus? Wanna see me stick a middle finger up to the rap internet with Banana clips? Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did? Try poptimism and drop a top 5 Bananarama Top Of The Pops performances list?

Highlight: everything! The TOTP equivalent of Mary J. Blige & Grand Puba on Yo! MTV Raps.

Highlight: 4 years into their career, Bananarama finally bothered to learn some proper choreography.

Highlight: making dungarees sexy after Dexy's Midnight Runners did the complete opposite.

Highlight: Fun Boy Three stealing the show with their proto-Guitar Hero battle.

Highlight: ILX ppl once called Girls Aloud the new Bananarama LMFAO.

Not sure this new Bananarama reunion is a good idea, tbh. Last comeback around they ruined an Italo Disco banger by Auto-Tuneing their vocals on there, and like Baton Rouge rappers, Bananarama should never use Auto-Tune - it makes them sound like everybody else when the whole point is that they're great because they sound like nobody else innit.

This new comeback also means that all the usual suspects from Pitchfork/The Guardian/Jezebel might start churning out ‘Bananarama Are The Outsider Artist Adult Pop Group 2017 Needs’ thinkpieces, and Lord knows nobody in the real world wants to read that shite.

Friday, 10 November 2017

"With 1 and a half pair of pants you ain't cool" 2K17

"See me, I'm a 90's baby
Don't care 'bout what you did, n*gga, we crazy
I'm from where if you hustle, you go a while without bathin'
No food in your house, so your breakfast's the candy lady"

Baby Soulja ft. Boosie Badazz - Dirty
(From Dirty (The Soundtrack) EP; 2017)

Some music sounds seasonal to me, baby! This joint by Soulja Slim's babby & Boosie grownazz makes way more sense to me in november than it did back when it dropped in the spring. Shit's a lesson in how to do 2017 monochromatic street rap right: add a sprinkling of piano keys for Thun-Rap ambiance, and keep the percussion to a minimum so the words can pull all the punches. If C-Loc had kept doing his Concentration Camp compilations with emerging Baton Rogue talent then Dirty has the feel of a song which'd be on the latest Camp LP.

How pissed do you think Baby Soulja is that OMB Peezy recorded the definitive From What I Was Told beatjack, though? Competition is none.

Wednesday, 8 November 2017


"Trell" coming soon 🔥🔥😈

A post shared by @70thstreetcarlos on

This upcoming 70th Street Carlos & Trel Itz A Hit spazzout has just gatecrashed my top 5 Most Anticipated Songs list. The other 4? This by Foxx & Boosie, this by Ezale, this by Nef The Pharaoh & Mannie Fresh, and this by Ya Boy Big Choo.

Pour out a little Jack Daniels Tennessee Fire for the now deleted Instagram snippets of A-Wax's supposed prison demos.