Wednesday, 24 December 2008

I wonder if Bobby Hundreds has ever heard Cocaine In The Back Of The Ride by UGK?

Bust a nut on their stomach
wash my dick in the sink
then buy a 40 from store from the godamn chink!

UGK - Cocaine In The Back Of The Ride

The original superior version from The Southern Way in 1988, natch'.

Perhaps if he had he might not be so eager to lace Bun B with a plethora of free Hundreds gear and hook up with him for an inevitable t-shirt collaboration :

Every southern rapper pays lip service to UGK's influence on them nowadays, but it's worth remembering that Bun originated frosty race relations towards our brothers from the far-east a good 3 years before Ice Cube on Death Certificate.

Sunday, 21 December 2008

Gifs which sum up the feelings of self-pwnage you experience...

..when you spite-bid on something on eBay you've had your eye on which was going for £2.99 that you'd happily pay about 6 or 7 quid for but which has suddenly jumped in price to £20 by the time you check eBay again 2 days later so, like the scorned childish twat you are, you bid £25 purely to push the price up in revenge to annoy the bastards who've increased the price of the item you want up to that ridiculous amount only to actually go and win the bloody auction, which leaves you with the unfortunate choice of stumping up £26.50 for something you'd never pay that amount of money for or face the ruination of your precious 100% positive feedback record :

The Act itself :

The Realisation :

The Confliction :

The Anger :

The Resignation :

Slick Rick - I Shouldn't Have Done It

Thursday, 18 December 2008

MrChiCity >>>>> Neil Strauss

"Different women like different things, my n*gga.."

The Game done stopped and shit done flip-flopped and now Youtube videos detailing how keeping your refridgerator stocked with a myriad of different food & drink to accomodate the many types of different bitch out there are sittin' on top.

"Yeah, Becky, i got fuckin' Snapples.."

Kill all prior expectations about the fairer sex, dunns, and peep the new player-code via MrChiCity. You thought you knew but you had no idea. Ayo, kid, your kitchen game is wack - step your Perrier and Pringles game up. Peep real game :

"The green-tea, man - that's for the holistic, you know, vegetarian, i don't eat meat and i'm real earthy, y'know, fuckin' Erykah Badu chicks and of course, n*ggas, for the real 'hood chicks - BAM, i got a drawer of Kool Aid, n*gga, what flavour you want?.."

UGK ft. UGK & Project Pat - Sippin' On Some Syrup

Stay sippin' in heaven, Pimp C, while us mere mortals pray at the tabernacle of MrChiCity to study his teachings so a world of new pu$$y will open up to us as if it were a magnificent clam. Word to Woody Allen.


Tuesday, 16 December 2008

What's the 411, hon'?

Ayo, you got it goin' on, hon'.

Diamond D once rapped how he'd like to "Push in the bush and i don't mean George" but here at The Martorialist we'd rather push it in a bit of posh who can tell you whether your old grandad's war medal is a genuine St. George like Catherine Southon AKA the bird who pops up in pretty much every BBC show about antiques.

A quick google tells us that Catherine's particular field of expertise is 19th century instruments of both the scientific and musical variety, which is the weirdest coincidence because we've got a vintage blue veined flute we'd like her to check out. We're not sure if it's a genuine 19th century artefact but perhaps she could determine its origin by giving it a quick blow?

Sunday, 14 December 2008

My wife is all i have...

..her dick, her balls, her hairy ass.

Styles P plus his and his wifey.

AKA a waxwork version of Sol Campbell in a wig.

I just don't get it. Most of these guys start rapping to become rich and pull top-tier pussy but you see pictures of everyone from Slick Rick to Cam'Ron to DMX to Fabolous to Krs One with their wives and they're always post-operation tranny lookin' wildebeests. What parta the game is that, yo?

Styles P & Pharoahe Monch - My Life

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Martorial elegance # 6

Y'know, what the cold, grim north needs right now is more suburban shopping complexes full of dudes who look like Cam'Ron and The Diplomats circa the Dipset Anthem/I Really Mean It video.

Y'all whiggaz dreamed it, we seened it : leather so soft New-Era, possibly the most O-T-T Evisu denim ever (and to think the author of Casuals called the majority of Evisu kecks "ostentatious tip-ex arsed jeans" that are "a badge of convenience for tossers everywhere"), a coke-white Avirex and, the pièce de résistance, fake Gucci-print Jordans which have the Alpo -o- meter registering its highest reading to date.

It's Harlem, baby, and i think the security guard just saw you drop a Kit Kat wrapper - SQUALAY!

Pic provided by Killa B again.

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Jim Jones talks fashion

"Them dudes be talkin' about they swagger - nobody copies the Jay Z or T.I look but they damn sure copy me. Remember when bitches was asking they hairdressers for the Rachel cut? I'm in that Jennifer Aniston zone, them dudes is Lisa Kudrow!"

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Martorial elegance # 5


We've had to call in the infamous Faggotry Police to arrest this utter cunt but while we wait for the bizzies to arrive we'll hand you over to Charlie Murphy to succinctly sum this one up for us :

Thanks to Killa B for another excellent sly-snap.