Caught an episode of Home & Away the other day for the first time in a good six or seven years and found myself disappointed in the quality of poon in it these days. What happened? In lieu of the numerous sixes Ponting and Katich hit England for yesterday here a top six of the ultimate Home & Away hoes from the dayz of wayback :
1. Angel (Melissa George)
The G.O.A.T. The juxtaposition of the stroppy attitude and her platted pigtails are probably enough to nudge her into top position here but what really sets her apart from the H&A-T&A-competition is that when she used to sport those long hippy dresses on the beach she'd look like a real life version of Marina from Stringray (and chicks who look like puppets from childhood tv shows 'll always get props over here) and, unlike any other top-tier Summer Bay siren, when she left H&A she got her T&A out in Playboy and a couple of movies. The 1970 Brazil side of down under soap dimes.
2. Shauna (Kylie Watson)
With her short hair and lifeguard short-shorts barely managing to contain a pert pair of buttocks which were comparable to two eggs wrapped in a hankie, Shauna was a source of many a stiffy round these parts. She's the Aussie soap version of Daisy Duke and no higher compliment can be payed, other than for me to say that i would happily eat her thongs.
3. Finlay (Tina Thomsen)
Finlay was Irene's daughter and, thankfully, the apple fell far from the tree with Finlay being a felinely pretty blond as opposed to a fag smoking old hag. Her main appeal, however, lay in those tie-dyed kecks she used to always sport which had the swirl which looked like a bullseye strategically placed on the centre of her arse that had many a young'n biting down on their knuckles in teatime sexual frustration.
4. Selina (Tempany Deckert)
No Shannon but Selina? You damn right, son. Shannon (Isla Fisher) was hot but during her brief perm-phase the girl i was seeing at the time commented that she looked like Bonnie Langford and i've never been able to shake that unfortunate mental image since. Regardless, the aforementioned chix-who-look-like-hot-puppets-from-childhood-tv-shows-get-the-thumbs-up ruling i adhere to means Selina would take this spot anyway due to her uncanny resemblance to Miss Piggy. A friend-of-a-friend of mine and his pals, apparently, once saw her in London when she was doing panto here after departing from Home & Away and went up to get her autograph with one of them accidently blurting out that he'd pulled his pud over her loadsa times as he shook her hand. Her male companion, by all accounts, was none too impressed by this declaration of depravity and a minor shouting shoving ensued.
5. Emma (Dannii Minogue)
Dannii Minogue's pre-X Factor c.v consists of more than 15 chart hits which nobody can name or remember a thing about other than that one which was a bit dancey with the black & white video where she was clad in a bikini on the beach, but for those of us old enough to remember the early 1990s her main claim to fame will always be playing Summer Bay's vaguelly punky rock chick (pre-Nirvana too) when she took the role as Emma. Photographic evidence via Google is now strangely scarce so to accompany the grainy picture i present you with a video of her and her schoolmate Viv being picked up by a couple of local ne'er-do-well potential rapists prone to grossly inappropriate inneuendo ("Something will pop up though if we think about it hard enough..think about it real hard"? Jesus, my nan used to watch this). She was packing more than a hint of puppy fat back in those days so that short skirt and those DM boots are doing her chubby little legs no favours in this clip and i actually remember her generally sporting more of a Robert Smith 'doo while usually rocking a far flattering ensemble of skinny ripped jeans, plaid shirt and leather jacket but you could put an Elvira wig on Bella Emberg and i'd still pop a boner over her every time.
6. Chloe (Kristy Wright)
Yeah, i know the aroma of rain soaked dog is rife in here right now with all these white birds but Aussie soaps generally don't do ethnics or foreigners. Remember the Chinese family on Neighbours who spent much of their duration facing claims of stealing the neighbourhood pets before being uncerimonously dumped after 6 months? I was gonna go for Stephanie (Fleur Beaupert) here but, unbelivably, backtothebay.net doesn't even have a picture of her in their character database. I remember her as an African goddess version of the lithe one from Shampoo but a google search for her during her Heartbreak High years reveals her to be more akin to a teenage female version of the Bay Area rapper Dru Down circa 1996 than a Summer Bay sexbomb.
So, # 6 is gonna have to be Chloe who was a bonefide babe, but after she got raped on her way home that time it felt wrong to let one's thoughts slide into lust fuelled erotica when watching her, didn't it?
The Backtothebay website, where i ganked most of these pix from, is worth a look if you wanna spend 15 minutes reminiscing on seldom thought of Home & Away characters. Streetz done forgot all about Frank and Tug, dunn.
Luniz ft. Dru-Down, Richie Rich, E-40, Shock G/Humpty Hump & Spice 1 - I Got 5 On It Bay Ballas remix
Why is embedding disabled on the video of the I Got 5 On It remix on Youtube? Legal red tape is ruining my Youtubing and my blog game.