Friday, 23 July 2010
The inevitable Razzle Romp tribute
I'm not sure whether the Razzle Romp was the first crap-pun/theme based multi-woman photoshoot series to appear in porn mags to emerge from the Paul Raymond stables, but they were the ones we certainly came across most frequently as teens, and they seem to be the most highly regarded/fondly remembered on the oracle of grot that is the Vintage Erotica forum. Essentially that place is the porn version of the T.R.O.Y Rap-nerd message board where you can find every obscure Rap release you'd ever or never want, only instead of finding the discographies of Brainsick Mob and L-Fudge, you have scans of old porn mag photoshoots and links to threads on the models with their real names and various pseudonyms, their other photoshoots, unseen pictures which were previously sold to European magazines and slightly dubious anecdotes about them visiting sex shops in Bradford and lapdancing clubs in Birmingham. Thankfully it's all delivered in an informative but jokey manner since some of the contributors appear to ex-porno writers/photographers as opposed to the "I HAD A WANK OVER THIS BIRD IN 1989 AND NOW WANT TO WALLPAPER MY HOUSE IN HER PICTURES AND TURN UP ON HER DOORSTEP TOMORROW MORNING AND ASK HER TO MARRY ME!!!!" sorta way you'd expect from a board for old porn mag completists. At least that's what I'm telling myself anyway as I plough through the Razzle Romp threads and crop pictures down with MSPaint.
Here in the U.K we were bound by strict anti-obsenity laws in the 70s, 80s and 90s which meant any type of hardcore sex was inadmissible in our porn mags and movies (any shots of oral or penetration were a no-no and magazines were forbidden from showing any pink or using certain words on their covers) and thus British porn ended up stuck in a softcore rut, dwarved by the products from the American (hardcore and exotic) and European porn (hardcore and full of taboo-breaking gimmicks involving animals, shit, piss and everything else you've ever heard Kool Keith fetishizing) porn industries of the time which were smuggled into the country for sale on the black market. So, as a slightly repressed country who could only really process sex in comedic terms (Benny Hill, Carry On movies, that Striptease competition video hosted by Bernard Manning and Sue Pollard which Dom has) we dealt with this combination of censorship and inadequacy the only way we knew how : we came up with some awful saucy puns before grabbing a handful of fancy dress costumes and a couple of buckets of slop and then got our kits off.
That's my theory anyway, and it's such creativity in spite of the most archaic obsenity laws in the western world which accounts for the Razzle Romp being the only porn I'm ever tryna crack a quick one off to nowadays despite potentially having the world of pornography at my fingertips. Razzle Romps are imaginative, fun and erotic, and, as anyone that's ever been talked into role play by a biploar chick with overwhelming daddy issues knows, that's an incredibly difficult unification to master. The sheer breadth of substances used in Razzle Romps is really quite staggering, though. Being already familiar with baked beans, eggs, flour, and custard, it didn't suprise me that yoghurt, whipped cream, jelly, and ice cream would also feature, but salad? Grapes being crushed to make wine? Clay? Silly string? Paint? That's your 5 Portions Of Fruit & Veg' A Day covered with enough mess left over to hold an 80s music themed Xmas party afterwards where everyone recreates the Hello video and that Stone Roses NME cover.
I've not seen a copy of Razzle since back in the 90s when we'd usually chip in for a copy from the late night garage on the way home from a pub or club and then use 95% of it to decorate someone's car with (slyly managing to shove the Romps and the other best couple of pages in your pockets when your accomplices weren't looking, obviously), so I had no idea that that there hasn't been a Razzle Romp since 1997 as the "Razzle-stack" position which would usually account for the valedictory Romp picture - a group of five or six girls laying on their fronts and stacked up on top of each other, with their arses and poons pointed towards the camera - was outlawed by the EU due to health and safery reasons since, I shit yee not, the girl on the bottom of the stack would often encounter breathing problems due to the weight of five or six other chicks on top of her. I swear I'm not making this up and I'm so flabbergasted by this revelation that I don't even have the energy to segue into something wrestling related where I'd embed videos of Yokozuna and Rikishi sitting on some unfortunate jobbers to close this post before exiting stage left pursued by bear and leaving you in the hands of a Kool Keith song from the Sex Style Unreleased Archives album.
Kool Keith - Spread 'Em