Monday, 31 December 2012

Ayo Rey - Dope by Tha Joker was definitely my favourite song on your list

Kinda feel like Tha Joker didn't really capture the song's lugubrious essence in the video, though, bruv, as it surely called for him to channel Juelz et Jim by sitting in the middle of his block pretending to tinkle the ivories and/or gallivanting around with a child's umbrella in the rain on said block :

"I'm gone off xanax and codeine
my momma tellin' me I'm a dope fiend"


Tha Joker - Dope
(From The Phenom album; 2011)


Other blogs would pro'lly describe this as Future without the frequencies or a bigger budget interpretation of one of Foxx's blackout-ballads, but here at The Martorialist the whole damn team agree that Dope is more like the new Sober by Jae Millz : i.e. what happens when a fairly generic punchline Rapper accidentally chances on an incredible piano-laden beat that's way too good for him, realises his plebian ass is way outta its depth and strives for something more transcendental; the something more transcendental in this instance being a soundtrack for dejected strippers to wipe the tears from their eyes with crumpled $5 bills as they're spreading their puckered brown eyes wide open.

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Top 3 things I've learned from the 100GrandOnMyWrist 2012 collabo post

1. That story about Husalah having no idea who Feva is or how his verses ended up on Handsome and HighSide is really true.

2. I completely forgot about that Philthy Rich joint with DB Tha General, which is way more deserving of a place on my best songs of 2012 list than 3 Bitches At The Same Time.

3. The only thing more popular with Thomas' cabal of buddies from the Rap innanet than Cousin Fik songs/songs featuring Cousin Fik is some dope HD & G-Dirty joint with a Marvin Gaye sample that even Thomas had slept-on.

Check the post and my contribution here.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Rap game Stoke City

In which Baton Rogue Rap's answers to the Brooklyn Brawler, Salvatore Sincere and Bob Holly converged for a no-star remix of It B Going Down and somehow went I Smoke, I Drank on 'em. Really wish somebody had told me about this hometown B.R club anthem earlier because Dope Man and I Try were the only Mista songs which made much of a ripple on the Rap internet in 2012 and this sub-zero remix galumphs so much harder than either of those :

"Bitches on our dick, I can't blame 'em 'cuz we popular
big long dick have you screamin' like a opera"


Mista ft. Level & Young Ready - Going Down (G mix)
(From Cain Muzik 2.0 mixtape; 2012)


For the 3 readers who care about Baton Rogue Rap minutiae as deeply as I do, Mista and Young Ready are the Rappers Foxx nonchalantly eviscerated on Shut Up earlier this year. While my fanboy flag is firmly planted in the #TeamFoxx camp, it's practically impossible for me to dislike any track featuring Young Ready that's a direct bambino of the 1 Rubber type 3-way B.R stomp stupendo' :

"Toot that ass and leave it up, sh-sh-she left me speechless
went extra hard, she drained my nuts, sh-sh-she left me skeetless"


Young Ready ft. C-Loc & Max Minelli - 1 Rubber
(From Tha Camp.. Break It Off album; 2007)


Thursday, 27 December 2012

Martorial elegance : A-Mafia edition

Not even mad that Realest N*gga In My City has turned out to be the best cut on the new A-Mafia mixtape because it's a top 3 N.Y joint of 2012 and attests to 'Mafia's insistence that The War Report is his favourite Rap CD, nor am I particularly mad that he's featured the Real Live Pro remix on no less than 4 successive mixtapes now because he probably paid a pretty penny for 2 Chainz's presence so he might as well get his money's worth since the video has yet to hit 50 thousand views.

What am I am visibly umadd about is that the best new cut on the 'tape has been bestowed with an in-studio performance video where our host is wearing a hoody made by Super Dry AKA the piss-poor pretend-Japanese British brand beloved of sports science student wankers, casual dads who are way too old to be wearing tacky heavily logo-ed clothing, provincial banter lads who think Top Man Rihanna t-shirts & elasticated chinos are for benders, and racially confused yout's who can't afford Jack Wills :

"Some days it was no meals
everything no frills
how I'ma ride my bike when it ain't got no wheels?"


A-Mafia - Story Of My Life
(From Straight Savage mixtape; 2012)


My worst Rap nightmare writ large has got me all Natalie Imbruglia : on one hand, A-Mafia's heartbreaking tale of growing up poor on Story Of My Life makes me want to give him a firm, manly bro-hug; on the other hand, I can't possibly emotionally invest in a Rapper who wears clothes worn by the worst sub-sections of British society.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

God bless Thomas from 100GrandOnMyWrist

Remember a couple of years back when Beeda Weeda's Baserock Babies blew everyone's speakers to the extent where it even had misery guts Boom-Bap dinosaur's car stereos doing backflips? This new Beeda posse slap with Messy Marv, B-Legit and J. Stalin that Thomas just posted should have the same effect :

"I don't shoot for the stars, I like to shoot 'em down
I'm like a u-haul truck the way I move around
scuba divin' through the water, n*ggas usually drown
I find a way to put it down off in any town"


Beeda Weeda ft. Messy Marv, B-Legit & J. Stalin - Mack'n & Mobb'n
(From Mack'n, Trap'n & Rap'n 2 mixtape; 2012)


B-Legit cameos in 2011/2012 are basically the modern day equivalent of pre-Illmatic Nas verses, IMO.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Fat Lace back! (again)

Drew and Dan take time out from spending their porn baron/jet-setting DJ loot to drop a new spodcast featuring a caboodle of classics and hidden jams by Chill Rob G, the Beatnuts, Salt 'N' Pepa, the New Style, Disco 4, Spyder D etc as well as some super secrete & rare Texa$ shit by BKA Rock and a cut by the U.M.C.'s side project group 321 :

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Did you guys enjoy the latest Twitter spat between David Drake and Brendan Soderberg or not?


Tweetz is talkin' about how Rap blogger beefs just ain't as good as the halcyon days of 2004 - 2008 no mo', but who pwned who the hardest during that most recent SoManyShrimp versus No Trivia tiff?

Aren't cheap shoots involving David Drake's Google Alert settings for ‘Chief Keef review’ pretty funny even when they come from a rapist-protecting idiot savant like Brendan Soderberg??

Should Drake hire a ghostwriter for his future Twitter beefs with Soderberg since he failed to get a single zinger in regarding the jaw-dropping irony of a SPIN hack who writes favourable reviews for his industry friends/unfavorable reviews of Rappers connected to his Twitter enemies recently complaining that the Village Voice has "no integrity"???

Is the Rap blogosphere finally going to get its very own Will High versus Vordul situation in 2013 now Drake and Soderberg reside in the same city????

Friday, 21 December 2012

Letter To My Son by Don Trip was a shit song


Thankfully Grip Plyaz is here for all you dudes out there IRL struggling with erstwhile baby-momma drama this Christmas who don't want to listen to an overly-earnest $tarlito wannabe who completely misses the point by Rapping with TOO MUCH EMPHASISSSSS. Sendin' this one out to official extended Martorialist famalam Chemical Alan and Scotty Dee :

"I can't believe she tried to play me
shawdy took my son and drove a n*gga slap crazy"


Grip Plyaz - Child Support
(From Purp, Wind And Fire album; 2012)


It's a testament to how phantasmagorically good Child Support is that it could pass as a lost DJ Quik & Robert Bacon-produced cut for Backbone on the Dungeon Family compilation album. You cheap bastards have no excuse in not downloading the six good songs from Purp, Wind And Fire now you no longer have to pay for them. Just ignore the three songs featuring Trinidad James on a general point of principle even if one of them is actually pretty good, okay? Naw, neo-Rap space cadet, this ain't the place for dat.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

R.I.P Richard Tre Mane

Blogota Rich is dead, please bid a warm welcome to your new host Fredo Fantano.


The festive holidays are an expensive time when even the Finally Rich amongst us have to balance the moolah going out with the moolah coming in, so raise a toast to another instalment of "This is reality-Rap, I really go through it" with Dormtainment's Ballin' Ona Budget, before you raise another toast to songs with bass lines which can turn the interior of any automobile into an air-pocket of alto-reverb :

"Bills is all I know - water, phone and electric
at least I got my charm....... (pendant necklace)"


Dormtainment - Ballin' Ona Budget
(From Broke & Famous album; 2012)

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Who'll be the next Nu-Metal nonces?


With news breaking that Lostprophets frontman Ian Watkins is on some Andre Williams type shit, will Papa Roach's Last Resort video with its smorgasbord of underage girls sulking in the bedroom of some surburan bungalow end up as the Nu-Metal equivalent of that old clip of Clunk Click where Jimmy Savile and Gary Glitter ominously drape their arms around/drool over a bunch of teenage girls from Broadmoor who'd later go on to press sexual assault charges against them? (no Das Racist)


Think about it, yo: not only is the Last Resort video little more than nonce masturbation fodder masquerading as a music video by a second tier Nu-Metal band, but Papa Roach and Lostprophets even share the same career trajectories - tubby whiggas in XXXL jeans with Go Racer stripes down the side who were forced to lose weight, smear on the Mascara and start dressing like a Costco budget version of Velvet Revolver by their record label once the Nu-Metal ship started sinking.

It's all fun and games when you guys speculate about Fieldy from KORN hanging out in the parking lots of junior high schools, or try to remember which Nu-Metal band that cunt with the stupid beard + hair who pretended to play guitar on that X-Ecutioners song with Mike Shinoda was in, but if it transpires that Wes Borland buggered Tony Hawk's son during the Break Stuff video shoot then the best Rock song of the last thirty years is dead to me.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Rap game Joey Barton's pigeon-French accent

Listen very carefully, I shall say zis only vonce : some French lad just compiled ya boy Fredo Fantano's right chea's best rap songs of 2012 list into a couple of RAR files for doz dat slept. Thanx, bruv :

Part one and part two

The list had already been subject to an edit on sunday for a couple of new songs which've emerged since it went live by Mystikal and Grip Plyaz, as well as songs I'd forgotten about by Philthy Rich and Game. If only mon frere who compiled the RARs had held out one more day he could've added #Banter anthem Futuristic Lingo by Lil' Trill & Shell too. Never mind, eh?

Lil' Trill & Shell - Futuristic Lingo
(From By Any Means Necessary album; 2012)


You know who needs to drop 2012 song lists already? ANU and Rey.

Monday, 17 December 2012

Master P's version of the trademark Rick Ross grunt ad lib >>>>

I got questions like Percy Miller on the Tru 2 Da Game intro :

1. Doesn't it warm your cockles to know that P can vanish from the Rap game for years, reappear, and not miss a trick in re-imagining whichever Gang$ta-Rappers are currently popular in his own inimitably eccentric image like it's 1992 - 1998 all over again?

2. Post-RealN*ggaTumblr, can we all agree that the only good things to come out of A$AP Rocky's career are the Trilla instrumental and the re-emergence of P and No Limit?

3. How'd I manage to completely miss I Ain't Feelin' That until yesterday when I've kept abreast with everything else P has dropped over the last year or so from the TMZ : Too Many Zeros, the joint with Game, and all those recent tracks with Fat Trel & Alley Boy?

4. What's gonna infuriate Rap purists more : the first dope Primo beat in years having Master P rhyming on it or I Ain't Feelin' That right chea being better than anything on that milquetoast new Big Boi album?

"Don't ask me why I'm doin' it 'cause, bitch, I'm so real
got bananas for the monkeys, pull 'em out and let 'em peel"


Master P ft. Louis V Mob - I Ain't Feelin' That
(From the internet/Uptown Veteran mixtape; 2012)

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Just sayin', bruv # 4.5

Two unpopular opinions for the weekend : Mr. Eon had a better Rap voice than Kendrick Lamar, and the revamped version of One By One from the Smut Peddlers album is the second best thing Cage was involved in after 54 :

Smut Peddlers - One By One
(From Porn Again album; 2000)

Friday, 14 December 2012

More rapist defending of Das Racist by SPIN; possible racism too

Did all y'all catch Julienne Shepherd accusing Will Staley of vague misogyny on Twitter last week after he casually asked what Das Racist's hypeman who dates a music magazine editor is going to do now his group have split up? Looks like this is the payback for 30 odd years of sexism in Rap music, folks : a female critic who puts up with a sleazebag rapist boyfriend in order to further her journalism career complaining that anyone who dares to point out Das Racist owed their entire success to her and her SPIN street team jabronies is on a par with domestic abuser Justin Lee Collins.

Never fear, though, lads, cads, bounders, love-rats and Rap Game Sid The Sexists, because Grip Plyaz has returned to restore the misogyny levels in Rap music with an amazing new song which reduces the women in his life to only being memorable by their hips and arses over a beat which goes duu-duu-duu-duu and dee-dee-dee-dee-dee :

"Shawdy superbad with a stupid frame
ass off the chain
y'know, wasaname?"


Grip Plyaz - Wasaname
(From Purp, Wind & Fire album; 2012)


More importantly, have all y'all noticed SPIN scribes like Brendan Sodemberg and Charles Aaron deriding Mystikal as an "unrepentant shithead", an "awful person", and "a mentally unstable, criminally violent, and desperately fucked-up individual" at the same damn time as they pen heartfelt eulogies to Das Racist, which not only gloss over the rape allegations towards them but also paint them as a trio of misunderstood swell guys?

Your humble author right chea wouldn't dare suggest that there's an undercurrent of mild racism present in SPIN's coverage of Rap music, but according to Soderberg and Aaron a black rapist who's paid his debt to society for taking part in a rape = vilest person since Hitler, while their slightly more exotically ethnic rapist buddies in Das Racist who are yet to be convicted on sexual assault charges = salt of the earth dudes who wouldn't hurt a fly.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

As Prince nearly once said

This is what it sounds like when androids cry :



King Louie - More Bandz
(From Drilluminati mixtape; 2012)


Obviously, the most exciting thing about the new King Louie mixtape is that we're finally allowed to talk about Band Nation without whispering, but mixtape climax More Bandz is also pretty special since it sounds like heartbroken cyborgs crying over being dumped by the White Witch of Narnia. Or sumfink.

So, anyhoo, has Shy Glizzy officially just become Noz's riposte to David Drake's Chief Keef in their D.C vs. Chicago Rap beef then?

Monday, 10 December 2012

Poot-poot

Thank you, tastemaker Noz - @$$ On The Internet and Leggings Song from Dormtainment's Broke and Famous album are very much relevant to this blog's interests, and their earlier hit Fart In Front Of Me is some reality-Rap, I really go through it!!!!

"It might smell bad, but it feels so good
your fart in the morning gives me morning wood"


Dormtainment - Fart In Front Of Me
(From We're Not Rappers But We Rap mixtape; 2010/Youtube; 2011)


Can we get a Mic Terror X Dormtainment collabo ASAP, plz?

Saturday, 8 December 2012

I can do dat

Proudest Martorialist achievement of 2012? Inspiring the O.G Boom-Bap dinosaur blog don Robbie to quote DB Tha General lyrics on teh Twitter!



What, you ain't know ya boy Paul Robbin' Son right chea and Robbie go back like Harold Bishop and Lou Carpenter? The Rap internet is like Lassiters and most of these dudes are just rentin' rooms in our hotel, motel, holiday inn.

Aussie soap-related Rap puns time : ErinsDorrough, Toadfish RebecChi Ali, Joan A$AP Ferguson, Prisoner Celly Cel Block H, Summer Ay Bay Bay, Thuns & Daughters.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Obligatory best Rap songs of 2012 list

Year-end lists are the only time you ever want to be early to the party so here's to 2012 AKA the year which gave us a critically acclaimed album by a Rapper who I found practically unlistenable on his song with Gunplay, the year which has still yet to give us Husalah's customary one great song per annum, and the year I'm gonna humbly take credit for Katie Got Bandz's success and Das Racist's break-up. This was also the year which finally presented me with a few Rick Ross solo joints I like since they don't sound like mock-Jeezy or pastiches of American Gangster-era Jay-Z, and which gave the world a great Chief Keef song I never want to hear again due to its terrible G.O.O.D Music remix with KanYe's unintentionally hilarious Junior Reid vocal samples and Jadakiss' ridiculously silly Christian Bale as Batman voice.

So, these are the songs that've rocked my world in 2012. Can't be arsed separating them into singles and album or mixtape cuts + loosies this year since so few of the singles I like become hits nowadays, and, as ever, la règle du jeu are one song per artist and no order of preference.

A-Mafia - Realest N*gga In My City
Fam-Lay - Clap Clap
Ampichino & Young Bossi ft. Yukmouth - Runaway
Gunplay - Jump Out
Rick Ross - High Definition
Mic Terror - Rodney King
Chinx Drugz ft. French Montana - I'm A Coke Boy
Coke Boyz ft. Stack Bundles - Tap That
DB Tha General - Don't Worry
Alpoko Don - Get My Paypa, Dog
Killa Kyleon & Mouse On Tha Track - Freddy Krueger
Mouse On Tha Track - Raise A Finger
Foxx - I Wonder
$hizz & Foxx ft. Webbie - Send Ya Hit Man
Lil' Phat - Countin' Money
Troy Ave - I Know Why You Mad
Clyde Carson ft. The Team - Slow Down
TREE - Sunday School
Young Giftz ft. TREE - Nino
$tarlito - Clap For Him
Travis Porter - Ballin'
E-40 ft. Cousin Fik - Wasted
Cousin Fik - Knocka N*gga Down
DJ Paul - Cocky
N.O.R.E - Kenny Powers
Skip ft. Wacko - Bandana
Future - Trending Topic
Nicki Minaj ft. 2 Chainz - Beez In The Trap
Jackie Chain - So Throwed
Feva ft. Husalah & Franchise - Handsome
Dubb 20 & Husalah - Been A While
Katie Got Bandz - Hittaz Only
King Louie ft. Shorty K - Hitta Shit
Roc Marciano - We Ill
Alchemist ft. Roc Marciano - The Turning Point
NhT Boyz - Freeway
Gucci Mane ft. Rocko - Plain Jane
Frenchie ft. Trick-Trick - Jack Shit
Bo Deal - N*gga Rich
Nas ft. Mary J. Blige & DJ Hot Day - Reach Out
Drumma Boy ft. 8Ball & MJG - Smokin' On That Loud
Treal Lee & Prince Rick ft. Ace Hood - Transform
Max Minelli - Safe Place
Kevin Gates - Radio
TKO Capone ft. RiFF RaFF - Lil' Mama I'm Sorry
Rich Kidz - Never Did
Lil' Durk ft. Fredo Santana - Wild N*ggas
Problem - Trippin'
Ty Dolla $ign - My Cabana
GLC ft. Raheem Devaughn - Cathedral
DG Yola - Ain't It Funny
Black Rob ft. Snaggapuss & Sadat X - Can't Make It In N.Y remix
J. Stalin - The Molly Song
Lil' Cali - Me And My Thugs
Diamond ft. Jackie Chain & Juicy J - At The Bar
Short Kidd - The Mafia
LoveRance ft. 50 Cent, IamSu! & Skipper - UP! remix
IamSu! - Two Eleven
Show Banga ft. Kool John & IamSu! - Party Ain't A Party
Fat Trel - Swishers & Liquor
HD ft. Lil' Rod - Pursuit Of Happiness
Beanie Sigel - Kush Dreaming
Krypto ft. Beanie Sigel, Freeway & Axion Jaxion - Black Tie Affair
Mystikal - Hit Me
Philthy Rich - 3 Bitches At The Same Time
Game ft. Master P - HVN4AGNGSTA
Grip Plyaz - Wasaname
Sasha Go Hard - Why They Mad?

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

The Alpoko Don mixtape is appalling

The Rapper with the ultimate less-is-more m.o could've simply vanished leaving us a handful of great recordings on some 4-2 Tha Dome type shit, but dude had to go and fuck his whole legacy up by dropping a mixtape where he rhymes over the blandest, most mosquitoes-shagging-on-a-sheet-of-paper soundin' ass beats you've ever heard which completely nullifies everything that made Get My Paypa, Dog and All I Need so unique and appealing in the first place.

"WHAT A BITCH!"

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

And the winner of SPIN magazine's # 1 rap song of 2012 goes to..

What you thought Zone'n by Ty Dolla $ign couldn't be topped as far as revolting 2012 songs about date-rape go? Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Drug Dat Hoe by 2 SODMG coke mules :

John Boy & Shawty Boy - Drug Dat Hoe
(From t'internet; 2012)


Remix coming soon featuring Das Racist, the 2pac hologram, Tom Cruise's character in Knight And Day, and Ched Evans!

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Kool G. Rap was the 2nd rapper with a lisp to go to Rawkus after an unsuccessful major label career

And this shit is the 2nd Fiend and Mouse On Tha Track collaboration within the space of a week, as well as the 2nd song where Mouse references Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rihanna and the 2nd best Rap song from a Trill ENT artiste with the word Slap in its title :

Fiend ft. Mouse On Tha Track - Slap That Bitch
From N.O To The B.R Volume 10 (Bayou Classic Edition) mixtape; 2012


As great as Get High, Get Loaded is, it's good to hear a Fiend & Mouse On Tha Track collaboration which sounds exactly like what you'd expect a collaboration between the two of them would sound like. Right this very moment, a Mouse song featuring Jackie Chain or vice versa would be the Rap equivalent of Hulk Hogan Vs. The Rock at Wrestlemania 18 for ya boy Dinos Goldie Loc right chea.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Hooray for Clyde Carson!

Not only is he responsible for the best Bay Area single of the year, his new street album type thing contains a song which sounds like a John Barry remix of that very single with an awesome guest verse from B-Legit that's just inspired me to listen to 43 11 times in a row and counting :

"Don't get caught in the moment
I wouldn't condone it
Never give up your name
that ain't part of the game"


Clyde Carson ft. B-Legit - Let Me Know
(From S.T.S.A. (Something To Speak About) album; 2012)

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Reasons why I love Youtube # 35

Well, knock me down with a copy of Lootpack's LP, I never knew there was a video for Biz's joint from that German label who also released 45 King & Common's Car Horn 12". Props to Biz for clearing insisting his cartoon persona is 100x more aesthetically pleasing than his real life visage and the reference to his mythical bell-less copy of Mardi Gras :

Biz Markie - Turn Tha Party Out
(From Superrappin: The Album Vol II album; 2001)


Yo, remember when Biz set about horrifying Borks and AC Tha Program Director-type purists by extolling the virtues of It's All About The Benjamins as one of the greatest club records of all time in Big Daddy/Grand Slam magazine in 2001 and doing songs with Puffy over Down By Law from the Wild Style soundtrack in 2003? Good times, man.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Tuesday is Trill ENT day

So, Webbie just released a crappy new mixtape of throwaway rhymes over really obvious current industry beats called Sweet Jones Jr. that I skimmed through so you don't have to, while Mouse On Tha Track finally dropped his Millionaire Dreamzzz 'tape chocked full of incredible melodic Baton Rogue pop-stomper tremendos with guest spots from Mystikal and Fiend, and all I can do is sit here aghast that Turk & Mel are letting Mouse and Foxx give away all this amazing music for free whilst letting Webbie release half-arsed retail albums like Savage Life 3.

The song with Fiend is a highlight since it sounds like absolutely nothing else in Mouse's catalogue and instead bears more of a resemblance to two shitfaced middle-aged blokes on a piano drunkenly attempting to sing Fats Domino standards in a New Orleans dive bar at 11:30 on a tuesday morning. A preferable alternative to yet another Fiend & Curren$y song over a Menahan Street Band instrumental at this point, and I quite fancy the idea of Mouse doing a whole EP in this style with guest spots from Juvenile, Foxx, and Young Bleed :

Mouse On Tha Track ft. Fiend - Get High, Get Loaded
(From Millionaire Dreamzzz mixtape; 2012)

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Rap Game Brandon Sales


You know how Never Did by Rich Kidz failed to make much impact IRL when it should've been as big as Ca$hin' Out or Ayy Ladies earlier this year? Can someone plz wrong that right and make sure In The Car from the new Rich Kidz 'tape is the biggest ATL Rap hit of 2013 because it's everything great about Travis Porter's fruity ATL-Rap and Ty$'s Rap & Bullshit distilled into a single song :

"..and I ain't even asked you for your number
I just wanna do it in the hummer.."


Rich Kidz - In The Car
(From Straight Like That 3 mixtape; 2012)


Anyone who can answer what the fat third member of Rich Kidz actually contributes to the group other than dancing awkwardly in their videos wins a special prize of some minging peppermint flavoured green tea I bought by accident thinking it was just the regular variety a few weeks ago. It tastes like a pack of polo mints dissolving in a cup of warm 5 day old piss but it's very good for weight loss according to the packaging.

Friday, 16 November 2012

Bestest 2 rap songs of the last 7 days

"Fuck you n*ggas with a horse's cock
I'm takin' mine off the top
whores watch as we board the yacht like George C. Scott"


Roc Marciano - We Ill
(From Reloaded album; 2012)


In which Roc Marciano gives a lesson to Jay Electronica in how you're supposed to rhyme on percussion-free production without sounding like Mindbender Futurama's Mindbender Loves You show over a beat which sounds like the score for some mythical James Bond Vs. Jim Jump from King Of New York spin-off movie. Still not sold on Marciano as a great album artist given some of his supine choices in production, but when he does get it right, he makes N.Y Rap sound effortless again.

"I want action, n*gga, gunclappin', n*gga
flex up and I'm whackin' n*ggas
these hoes like action figures : no brain, heart, and no passion' in 'em"


Bo Deal ft. Zed Zilla - Nothin' Like Me
(From Welcome To Klanville mixtape; 2012)


In which Bo Deal continues his recent one-hot-song-every-mixtape average and Zed Zilla partially redeems himself after his dismal Rents Due 2 mixtape. I got two related questions with this one : who'd a thunk Bo Deal would be the only good Brick Squad weed-carrier still knocking out the odd good tune in late 2012, and is it true that that Zed Zilla is the Rapper $tarlito takes multiple subliminal shots at on Clap For Him? You know who you are, we know who you ain't etc.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Are Das Racist and their manager the Rap Game Terry Richardson?

Think about it, yo: in the same way rapey Richardson has Anna Wintour threatening the girls he molested that their modelling careers are finished unless they keep schtum, the two sexual-predators from Das Racist and their alleged rapist manager have had Julienne Shepherd from SPIN Magazine (who just happens to be dating Dap from Das Racist) keep the sexual-assault allegations about them out of the Rap media.

Whether this means Julienne's fellow SPIN scribe Brendan Sodeberberg is Grace Coddlington or André Leon Talley depends entirely on how closely you paid attention to the Vogue office power dynamics in The September Issue. Whatever the case, the pair of them are a couple of careerist stooges protecting a trifecta of sleazy sexual-predators; it's now impossible to take Shepherd seriously as a feminist when she's sold her fellow woman out at the expense of her Rapper boyfriend & his pals, and Soderberg sure has some nerve complaining about Lupe Fiasco's mansplaining when he's part of the rapist-sympathising SPIN cabal that's swept a sexual-assault story under the carpet in order to protect three of their Rap industry buddies.

Related : And the winner of SPIN magazine's # 1 Rap song of 2012 goes to..

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

The millennium Palko


I know we're supposed to hail Agent Orange as Cage's artistic apex, but I'll be damned if I'm riding for any song which starts with the line "I'm against the machine like Rage"; Dude should've stepped his 90's Rap-metal similes up and at least come with something creative like "I'll leave your mouth with no fronts like Dog Eat Dog!" instead, right? The original version of 54 (minus the cumbersome breakdowns of the LP version) my man Dan is actually the best record Cage ever made and it's his masterpiece because it sounded absolutely nothing like anything else he'd made at that point, possibly because he was still deluded enough to think that he could compete with Slim Shady-era Eminem :

Cage - 54 (original version)
(From 54 12"; 1999)


In reality, the best Cage could've hoped for back at the turn of the millennium was a really good undie N.Y Rap solo album in the vein of Scaramanga's 7 Eyes, 7 Horns LP, made from the best Mighty Mi and Alchemist beats from the Smut Peddlers LP and the 4 Mondee beats from the Yak Ballz EP. Alas, it wasn't to be and Cage's only real achievements of note after 54 were his embarrassingly hilarious identity-crisis after he discovered The Hives and checkerboard slip-ons at the age of 32, and his bankrupting of Def Jux after his Suicide Boy-bait album that El-P bet his entire label's budget on tanked spectacularly.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

A message to all white American Rap bloggers still blessing the internet with their thoughts on U.S politics

Courtesy of the nastiest and duttiest track Sean Peeeeeeeeeee has been involved in since Fuck Dat Rapper and Da Art Of Disrespekinazation in 2008 :

Sean Price - STFU Part 2
(From Mic Tyson album; 2012)


The final word on the 2012 American election can only fall to the blog game Afrika Sukhbaatar who continues to bring that Mongolia Clap to every plump Yenta in north London :

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

20 great non-2012 Rap songs I discovered in 2012

Token bi-monthly generic vanity list in the vein of this post from last year. Feel free to drop some gems you've caught late passes for in the '012 too on some I Share, We All Share type shit. Unless, that is, you're Wicked22 - then you can git ta steppin' and go slash your wrists with your Damu The Fudgemunk REAL VINYL NOT MP3S!!! :

DB Tha General - Gas (2007)
Chinx Drugz ft. French Montana - All About My Money (2010)
Boo ft. Maxminelli & J-Von - Ima (1999)
Grand Puba - Time To Put It On (199?)
Jackie Chain - Molly (2011)
Young Squad - Break Me Off (2008)
All $tar - $tarlito's Way (2007)
J-Buc & Lil' Cali - Stuck up (2011)
Disco Four - Throwdown (1983)
Ike Eyes - Blue Roxies (2011)
Duddy Ken & Attitude - Valet (2003)
A-Mafia - I Ain't Playin' (2004)
Newcleus - Programmed 4 L.O.V.E (2009)
TREE - Trouble (2011)
Black Rob ft. The Lox - Can I Live? (alternate 12" version) (1999)
Maceo - Ho Sit Down (2006)
Lord Finesse - Inconsiderate Females (1989)
Handy ft. Box & Webbie - Mobbin' In Them Old Schools (2005)
HBK Gang - She Ready (2010)
Latee ft. Prince Naiquan & E-Marvelous - Who Rips The Sound (199?)

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Martorial elegance # 66


^^^^^ This is why amateur Rap vlogging is currently light years ahead of aspiring professional music-critic vlogging, folks - FrankieThaLuckyDog breaks out a secrete & rare 1-of-1 Rest In Peace Lil' Phat ringer tee for his live video review of the Lil' Trill & Shell album; whereas Anthony Fantano squeezes his tubby moobed torso into smedium Death Grips merchandise-stand tees for his Youtube reviews, and shamelessly continues to Dana Dane his internet forefather Filipino Frank AKA Dozer AKA Chinese Cog by rockin' t-shirts with neckholes that are more stretched-out than Peter Schibetta's butthole :


Thursday, 1 November 2012

Ayo ANU # 4

You gonna post something from the Lil' Trill & Shell album or is that dubious honour left to me?

So, it was inevitable that Lil' Trill would finally make a song I like on his new duo album with perennial Trill ENT coffee-boy Shell, just like it was inevitable that said song would be one that Mouse On Tha Track has worked his magic on. What's unexpected here is that it's the Mouse production he doesn't lend his vocals to for a chorus; instead, it uses a recurring word gimmick hook like Boosie's Bullshit that challenges you not to soak your jocks laughing every time you hear it because it's the most silly noise I've heard on a Rap song since Lil' Trill's pre-pubescent 2008/2009 voice :

"If you a hatin' type n*gga you should drown in mud"

Lil' Trill & Shell - Me
(From By Any Means Necessary album; 2012)

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Happy Halloween


Basically, Jimmy Spicer's camp Transylvanian accent when he's pretending to be Dracula visiting Studio 54 on Adventures Of Super Rhymes >>>>>>>> Raider Klan retards doing 90's spooky Memphis-Rap karaoke and 7th generation Horrorcore Tumblr-Rap like Flatbush Zombies :

Jimmy Spicer - Adventures Of Super Rhyme
(From The Adventures Of Super Rhyme 12"; 1980)


Facts is facts, lads - Jimmy Spicer was laying down that stream-of-conscious "crazy space shit that don't even make no sense" on wax for nearly 14 minutes straight 3 years before Rammellzee dropped Beat Bop.

Monday, 29 October 2012

John Monopoly is not a manager of the Slick calibre!


No wonder KanYe West got rid of John Monolopy; what an ol' Oliver Humperdink type managing ass oaf he is for this :

King Louie - Val Venis
(From Dope And Shrimp album; nevurary)


Val Venis is King Louie's The Show to Bars's La Di Di Da Di and a potential viral hit in the making, so what does John Monolopy finally do with the song months after squandering its initial buzz? Completely ignore its wrestling-related dance USP and shoot some sub-L.E.P Bogus Boyz resembling generic video for the song that nobody will ever watch more than once. The only slightly positive thing about the whole sorry clip is that Louie has stepped his jeans game up from those ol' Matt Hardy lookin' ass hideous cargo jeans he had on in the original Val Venis video.

It can't be a coincidence that Nas fell off immediately after he got his chipped front tooth repaired, because I fear Louie getting his smashed teeth fixed with his advance money a few months back may have similarly jinxed his career given some of his recent decisions and music. How quickly these Rappers forget the street code handbook's chapter regarding cosmetic dental surgery :

"This is real live street shit
truest and the deepest
know n*ggas who go to jail just to get they teeth fixed"


Sheek Louch ft. Jadakiss, Jae Hood & Styles P - Mighty D-Block (2 Guns Up)
(From Walk With Me album; 2003)

Sunday, 28 October 2012

In this one big room full of bad bitches, I'm tryna leave the room with all the bad bitches

IamSu! dropped a brand new song a couple of days back, but here's 4 reasons why I'm way more excited that this Show Banga joint he appeared on alongside Kool John received a video a week or so ago :

"Get your freak on like Missy, hoe
drop it down to the tootsy-roll
put my dick in her pussy hole
have her screamin' and creamin', I'll leave that pussy all gushy, hoe"


Show Banga ft. Kool John & IamSu! - Party Ain't A Party
(From Youtube; 2012)


1. Point blank, it's just a better song than IamSu's Mobbin', which is all hollow piss 'n' vinegar bluster.

2. As a joint with a weird plink-plink-plonking video game melody at its axis, Party Ain't A Party sounds so good played alongside a certain amazing King Louie track were not officially allowed to talk about yet.

2. Bay Area jams which somehow configure Grindin's stabs-of-death into their DNA will never cease to be a good thing.

3. If it were up to me, Lil' Jon "OKKKAAYY" samples would be as omnipresent as James Brown "HUH!" samples were in 1988.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Fuck Prodigy's prison blog posts, REMEMBER WHAT PIMP C BROUGHT TO THE TABLE!

Eat 7000 wee-wees and die, y'all rappers on the internet are friendly-as-a-box-of-puppies. If Pimp C was still alive in 2012, y'all social media accounts wouldn't exist! True story, don't quote me - I got it from Tom & Tila Tequila!

WHY??.....

Current mood:accomplished

EVERYBODY WANA KNOW WHY IM RIDIN ON SOME OF THESE PUSSY RAP NIGGAZ ? EVERY SONG I MAKE NIGGAZ CALLING IT A DIS SONG!!!!!! NEWS FLASH..... WHEN I REALY START RIDIN ON NIGGAZ IM GONA SAY THEY NAMES! I DONT PLAY NO GAMES WIT BITCH MADE MTHFKAZ! NIGGAZ N THIS RAP SHIT 85% FAKE AND FRAWD! NIGGAZ GOT MAD N ATL BUT MOST OF THEM PUSSY NIGGAZ AINT EVEN FROM ATL! YALL MOVED 2 ATLANTA BITCH! THE REAL ATL NIGGAZ KNOW ME! I GOT RESPECT 4 THE REAL BUT FUCK U INTERNET UTUBE STUDIO FAKE DRUG SELLING CHANGE YO SET EVERY YEAR ASS NIGGAZ! REAL TRILL NIGGAZ IS TIRED OF THEM BITCHIZ AND IM THE ONLY ONE THAT HAD THE NUTZ 2 SAY IT AND THE MOUTHPEACE 2 BACK IT UP!!!!!!!!!! AND 2 THEM NIGGAZ THAT SAY I AINT REALY PIMPIN!!! ASK YO BITCH IF IM PIMPIN NIGGA! I CAN TAKE A NIGGA HOE THRU A CAR STEREO SPEAKER NIGGA! 2 EVERYBODY RIDIN WIT ME LUV CHUUUUUCH! 2 THE ONEZ THAT AINT! PICTURE ME ROLLIN LIKE PAC(RIP)! KEEP THROWIN SALT ON ME! THATZ SEASONING 2 A STEAK!

PUSSY ASS NIGGAZ

I GOT A HOE ASS NIGGA PLAYIN ON MY PHONE! HIS # IS 214 462 0263! IN YALL FREE TIME I WANT ALL MY PEOPLE 2 CALL THIS BITCH NON STOP AND TELL HIM WHAT YALL THINK BOUT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUNKY BITCHIZ

ALL U FUNKY HOEZ AKTING LIKE U KNOW ME POSTING ALL THAT PUSSY SHIT CAN EAT MY DICK! U HOEZ DONT KNOW ME SO STOP PLAYIN LIKE U DO! IF U DID KNOW ME U WOULDNT BE PLAYING ON MYSPACE WIT YO FINGERZ! U WOULD BE GETTING SOME MONEY AND STAYIN BUSTER FREE! MY DICK AINT FREE! MY TIME IS MONEY AND ALL FUNKY COCK HOEZ NEED 2 GET A JOB AND GET OFF THE POLE DANCING 4 DOLLAR BILLS! IF U A RESPECTABLE PERSON WHO HANDLE THEY BIZ AND TAKE CARE OF YO BIZ AND KIDZ U LAPHING AND LUVING THIS BLOG! IF U MAD U THE ONE IM TALKIN BOUT BITCH!!!!!! CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!!!!!!!!!! BY THE WAY THIS IS PIMP CHAD aka PIMP C OF UGK bka SWEET JONES! NEW NAME MACKEAL JORDAN 223 N CASE U GOT IT TWISTED! SAY WHAT U WANT JUST SPELL MY NAME RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! AND THE NEW ALBUM IS PLATNUM! THANK YALL WHO GOT THE REAL AND IF U GOT THE BOOTLEG U AINT PLAY NOBODY BUT YOSELF CUZ I BOOTLEG MY OWN SHIT!!!!!!!!!! CANT BEAT EM JOIN EM! TABANAKLE! PREACH! SANKUWARY! AINT IT MAN??????????????????

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Is Lil' Reese a worse human being than Jimmy Savile?

C'mon now, sons, moons and earths - if there's 2 reasons to hate Lil' Reese it's not because he beats up his baby-momma and throws punches like that gay lad who knocked Lil' B out. Hell, it's not even that his voice sounds like what you'd expect a Lupe Fiasco weed-carrier to sound like and that he has no reason to exist beyond being a Chief Keef back-up dancin' ass video homie because he's technically no worse than Keef's couple of other charisma-free indistinguishable Rapping BFFs.

No, the 2 reasons we should all loathe Lil' Reese are that he's the dead spit of the 7th guy you'd see on some British Grime posse cut video from 2005 and Def Jam will probably release an album by this ol' Masta Killa of Roll Deep lookin' ass hack next year as they let Peedi Crakk's A Night In The Life and Gunplay's Medellin rot in their vaults alongside Flava Flav's 1991 Bomb Squad-produced solo album :


Reese ought to be awful thankful for the I Don't Like remix, Frat House by Slaughterhouse, Work by A$AP Ferg, Father's Day by Yelawolf, Reagan by Killer Mike & El-P, and that Vinnie Paz joint over a sample of one of those those overrated ol' glorified Robson & Jerome soundin' ass albums Johnny Cash made with Rick Rubin in the 90s (*1), or Savage would be a no-brainer for the worst song of 2012.

*1 Actual factz : Johnny Cash's only real great late-career renaissance was his stunning Muppet Show appearance; after that it was all downhill.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

It's the dukes


Thumbs up that old Boosie joints are still being blessed with videos because I quite fancy clips for My N*gga Then, Dirty World and Bank Roll Part 2. Thumbs down that his family will probably be all up in the videos like they are in the new clip for Mama Know Love right chea because you just know his Rapping ass daughter is gonna feature on every single song he records once he's released from prison.

Lil' Boosie - Mama Know Love
(From Southside Don Dada mixtape; 2009/the internet; 2012)


Lil' Phat died so Iviona Hatch could have a Rap career. (;_:)

Monday, 22 October 2012

Free Rose West!!!

I never quite got around to writing about how Yo Gotti would've had 4 great singles in a row had he not broken the most crucial rule of Rapping about blowjobs on the last verse of the otherwise excellent I Got Dat Sack and started focusing on the details of his dick instead of vividly describing wat dat mouf do. An unacceptable error for a Rapper who made his debut 12 years ago that I'll only forgive if he makes more song like track # 1 from the latest instalment of his Cocaine Muzik series of mixtapes in future :

Yo Gotti - Bulletproof
(From C.M 7 (The World Is Yours) mixtape; 2012)


Yo Gotti mixtapes tend to start with blockbuster opening tracks where he declares himself the grand emperor elect of Trap-Rap', so Bulletproof arrives as a welcome change of pace given that Lil' Lody's production sounds like what a Blaxploitation theme by Beats By The Pound might've sounded like and Gotti doesn't mention cooking cocaine in his kitchen on it once. Yo Gotti's so much better when he eases back on the Jeezy-jackin' to return to his roots as a classicist Gangsta-Rapper in the vein of C-Loc or C-Bo, but Bulletproof ultimate triumph comes when Gotti implores the U.S government to free Big Meech since it's one of those mind-boggling moments of retarded logic that could only ever come from a Rapper.

Free Big Meech!!!

Free Big Lurch!!!

Free South Park Mexican!!!

Free Ian Brady!!!

Free Paul Taylor and Michael Barton!!!

Sunday, 21 October 2012

Token Bad Boy Records post of the month

A couple of years back, XXL magazine ran a Bad Boy Records tribute article which featured Black Rob talking about how the first song he cut for the label was an R&B remix, but, because he wasn't acclimatised to the art of rhyming on Rap & Bullshit jams, he went into the booth and started kicking lyrics about sticking grenades in people's mouths as he robbed them for their North Face bubble-gooses until Biggie tapped him on the shoulder and was like "chill, dook - you gotta approach these type of records differently!" This is that remix, and while it isn't touching the Bad Boy mix of Only You, it still cacks on the original version of Come See Me because nobody wants to listen to a eunuchized New Edition like 112 sing for a full song :

112 ft. Black Rob - Come See Me (Bad Boy remix)
(From Come See Me single; 1996)


I didn't hear this back in 1996 so I'm not sure if it was meant to capitalise on the success of Put It In Your Mouth or if it was just some sort of bizarre double-coincidence that it happened to use the exact same samples of Brick's Fun and Al Green's I'm Glad You're Mine as Akinyele's most famous song. Kinda hope that it's the latter, because Put It In Your Mouth stealing this remix's thunder would be perfect karmic compensation for Biggie's One More Chance remix cock-blocking Big L's MVP just as it was beginning to gain momentum in 1995.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Ayo Chief Keef

Ain't nobody buying into your colder-than-a-Polar-bear's-chode Superthug shtick any more after you've pussied out and pulled the ol' "my Twitter account was hacked!!!" stunt on two separate occasions now, broski. In future you should stick to the party jamz like Hate Bein' Sober because I can't imagine anyone other than David Drake really needs a 100x less catchy facsimile of that song where you Rap like you're out chea on your Denzel at this point, especially when Lil' Durk stays steady bodying you with your own aura :

"..they that violence come back from Rap
they say we the reason that Chicago strapped.."


Lil' Durk - Disappearing
(From Life Ain't No Joke mixtape; 2012)

Friday, 19 October 2012

Got dat paypa, dog

Not really kept up with Wax Poetics magazine since Borders closed down over here, but had I seen the recent No Limit cover issue in my local Smiths I'd have snatched that shit off the racks quicker than Future after he'd just spotted a denim New Era with 356 different studs on it. Thanks to Jack The Snipper for scanning me the Beats By The Pound interview in there; who needs the usual "what MPC do you use?" Wax Poetics interviews when you can have KLC et al yappin' about how Percy Miller owes them $15 million instead? Click to resize, obv' :






Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Re : that unreleased Max B reference track for Puffy

This gives me hope that someone will leak Max's original Summer Wit' Miami reference track one day :

Max B - Keep Your Head To The Sky
(From Duets recording sessions; 2005/the internet; 2012)


Kinda bizarre that a just-released-from-prison industry newbie like Max could've been ghosting for Puffy in 2005, but for the sheer "Who? What? Why? Where?" factor, nothing will ever top that other famed-Duets reference track with KanYe on the first verse and - in 2012 this still beggars belief - Termanology Rapping from Puffy's perspective on the 2nd verse :

KanYe West & Termanology - Everything I Got (If I Was Diddy)
(From Duets recording sessions; 2005/the internet; 2012)


Yeah, it's sad that Max is in jail for the rest of his life when the evidence against him was incredibly flimsy and all, but it's utterly heartbreaking that Termanology still has a Rap career in 2012, innit? Come the apocalypse, all that'll be left are cockroaches and Termanalogy still trying to hop his way onto production he has no business being on.

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Rap history repeats itself


Live-wire crew member of Puerto-Rican descent turned fan favourite Def Jam solo artist via breakthrough cameos on their bald-headed bushy-bearded best mate's album, unfortunately destined for eternal mixtape purgatory due to a Best Buy-unfriendly moniker and a proclivity for carrying illegal firearms.


If we follow Peedi & Gunplay's parallel timelines (and we should because both Rappers have also sorta had their respectively careers unwittingly cock-blocked by Meek Mill) this means Gunplay will sign to G-Unit Miami Records in 2021 and we'll still be waiting for Medellin a decade from now.

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