Sunday, 30 September 2012

"Yo, Ron Artest sold more records than you!"

All I'm hearing is "Kreayshawn flopped!" this and "Kreayshawn flopped!" that, all I wanna know is when do we get to see her flap her tongue up and down Lil' Debbie's arsecrack?


Belated thoughts on Somethin 'Bout Kreay going double-Kit Kat wrapper : not tryna come off as the Rap Game Jeremy Forrest here, but give yourselves a round of hearty applause, Kreayshawn's projected-target demographic of SkrillBexes and gay teenage AZN Hot Topic weekend staffers who ensured her album bricked, because this means she'll probably have to rush out her obligatory lesbo sextape with Lil' Debbie before the end of 2012 now. Here's hoping neither madam has any pussy piercings, and finger's crossed Dirt Nasty and DB Tha General's manager don't spoil the dyke-out by trying to get in on the pum.

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Martorial elegance - Lupe Fiasco edition

Ayo David Drake - how come you're willing to fill me in on Chicago Rap gossip concerning ***** ****'s team using him to launder drug/prostitution money and ******** *** ghost-writing for **** ***** but you ain't bother to tell me Lupe Fiasco had grown himself a Chief Keef fraggle-dreads hairdo, B?


So, I'm reliably informed that the token overbearing crooner on this torta di dick-formaggio of a song is some former Australian Idol winner, which means that the Rapper who once pretended to be a hamburger right chea is finally edging towards his inevitable destiny of making a Best Of Both Worlds type concept LP with that irritating Canadian mall-rawk dipshit who won Rock Star : INXS where he rhymes from the point-of-view of a chicken tikka samosa for the entire album.

Friday, 28 September 2012

You know my Stez'


If you had To The Max on 12" back in the dayz of wayback when people used to pay for music and eat pterodactyl eggs for breakfast, you only needed to own a copy of Stezo's patchy Crazy Noise LP for its amazing cover where he was resplendent in a still-next level stonewashed Canadian tuxedo, and the Girl Trouble joint which was basically Know The Ledge before Know The Ledge was Know The Ledge, albeit way less austere and with the scheming mom dukes of a scorned daughter as its chief villain. A former EPMD back-up dancer really had no business making a song this good :


Stezo - Girl Trouble
(From Crazy Noise LP; 1989)


It obviously doesn't hurt that he's Rapping over one of the funkiest pieces of music to ever emerge out of New Orleans on Girl Trouble, but Stezo deserves credit too for concocting such a compelling set-up narrative and pioneering the gettin'-caught-in-a-unfriendly-neighbourhood-because-of-a-chick sub-genre of Rap that Know The Ledge would perfect a couple of years later. Yo, remember when Rappers used to call guns ‘jammies’? I certainly do, because my buddy O.G Emilyn convinced me they were referring to used tampons as opposed to firearms back when we were chil'ren in the late 80s.

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Finally - a new song I like!

And it has a Puffy-on-My Downfall-megaphone-chorus and a bassline to die for! Okay, so if E-40's Concrete sounded like Sherlock Holmes on the trail of some D-Boy scoundrels like Noz once suggested it did, then IamSu!'s Two Eleven here sounds like like London's greatest fictional detective on the trail of some girlfriend-snatching scallywags :

"After the club I'm leavin' early for a reason
left witcha girl took her back to the four seasons
n*ggas be mad 'cause they know that their hoe cheatin'
showin' out in front of they homies sayin' they leavin'
but, homie, that was never my lady so you can keep her
she was just a freak who'd do anything for a t-shirt
cheerleader, shoulda stayed up in the bleachers
they should put ya kid up in the paper, give me the feature.."


IamSu! - Two Eleven
(From Youtube/special Karmaloop edition of KILT mixtape (lol); 2012)


Man, trying to find some good new Rap recently has been akin to Holmes' own search for Irene Adler, so props to IamSu! for coming through in my time of need, and props to him for putting whatever the hell the short movie part of this video is after Two Eleven has finished so I don't have to sit through a 3 minute intro of awkward acting which makes Dr Dre's performance in Training Day look like James Mason in Odd Man Out.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Chick game Master Splinter


"Rat head - chipped nails, chipped toes
Rat head - nappy perm, ripped clothes"


C-Bo ft. Young Meek - Rat Heads
(From West Coast Mafia album; 2002)


Three main reasons why this is my favourite C-Bo joint of the last decade even though I'm a secrete feminist like Nicola McLean - you'd never expect to hear C-Bo Rapping over the sort of scratched-up RAWK guitar sample that was Tone Loc's bread 'n' butter back in the late 80s, Young Meek's "you got the cockpit smellin' like fish & chips" line, and the whole Rat Head concept being a possible homage to Oid School Freddy B's infamous "rat head bitch make me cum!" lyric from Too $hort's Game.

Just sayin', bruv # 4.5 : Wild Thing by Tone Loc goes way harder than any of the more credible RAWK guitar jams by Run Dmc Schoolly D, Ice-T or Public Enemy.

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

I got a friend with a poll in the basement


Hey yo, survey time - who got the greatest DAT ASS video moment of the past 12 months...

Is it Gunplay in Bogota?


Or is it 2$hin in DJ Yoda & Action Bronson's Big Trouble in Little China?

Monday, 24 September 2012

It's ya boy $hamrock AKA Yung Iri$h

AKA First Bourney from the Young Black Poteenagers!

Perhaps I'm being charitable because he recently made a banger with Jackie Chain, or maybe I'm just starved for new Rap since I haven't heard anything I've liked since Problem's Welcome To Molly Wood 2 mixtape a fortnight ago, but this intro from $hamrock's Money Green album really is sounding like an alternate opening track on Lil' Wyte's semi-classic Phinally Phamous CD right now. Whatever the case may be, forgive me, father, for I have truly sinned by posting this one :

"You don't know about this, mane
life started out as a bitch, mane.."


$hamrock - Money Green Intro
(From Money Green album; 2012)


So what if I just happened to be looking for any ol' thinly-veiled excuse to use than YBT pun and talk about why tubby whiggas like $hamrock always feel the need to cultivate chin-strap beards when it only draws attention to their double chins (seriously, why dey do dat dere?), because I'm so dedicated to this blog game shit that I just spent 69p on an MP3 of the Money Green Intro so you don't have to shell out your own skrilla for it. I'm not a fucken' blogger, though, man - I'm just writin' this shit because I love the Rap internet and I love seein' Google diddy-boppin' to my posts.

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Rap game ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When I found myself desperately skimming through pages of Joe Budden goes bowling videos, Joe Budden album artwork and alternate artwork updates, and Joe Budden poses on the cover of some black ppl's Miami Ink tattoo magazine JPGs on 2dopeboyz earlier today because all my usual channels for new Rap haven't been delivering these past couple of weeks, I figured it was time to bite the bullet and finally check out Lil B's Task Force mixtape that's been trumpeted as his long-awaited return to form in certain quarters. Alas, you bastards who've championed it have lead my hopes and expectations on a wild-goose chase before abandoning me in Disappointmentville with no taxi fair home; I couldn't make it through a single song in its entirety, and I contend that Brandon should've retired from Rapping in 2010 and made a move into TV as the host of Come Dine With Me U.S.A before the Red Flame mixtape began his slide into being just-another-Rapper.

What happened to the Lil B who scalped Nas on his own One Mic beat, who made the greatest Auto-Tune hit that never was, and who turned a Bow Wow instrumental into the new Mistakes Of A Woman In Love With Other Men, then? My theory is that the vast majority of Rappers are genetically encoded to only ever make a maximum of 30 good songs during their career and so, instead of drip-feeding them across various albums over the course of 8 years like The Jacka, he carpet-bombed the internet with them in the summer 2009 to autumn 2010 period which gave us the I'm Thraxx and 6 Kiss 'tapes, and loosies like Like A Martian, Good Morning, Look Like Jesus, Age Of Information, and Ellen Degeneres.

Nobody couldn't ever accuse California Boy of being a good thing unless they've got a particular penchant for the 4th song on Lemonheads cassette singles from 1993 or they want to rub one out to the preppier & prettier version of the daughter from season 1 of American Horror Story he strolls around with in the video, but at least it was a surprise and an amusing act of trolling; Task Force, on the other hand, is as predictable and as wearying as another new Chief Keef think piece, and I'm kicking myself for ever believing myself it could've been anything other than a dud after I was similarly suckered in by the Bitch Mob Respect Da Bitch Volume 1 'tape hype last year.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Greatest movie scenes ever # 48

What, you thought Black Shampoo was just some half-arsed brainshart which only exists because RZA was a song short for Wu-Tang Forever's second disc and so he ordered U-God to quickly hack out a Poundstretcher Labels about Afro hair products to finish it off? Duh, obv'ously, but at least it's a sloppy album filler which happens to be inspired by one of the seventies Blaxploitation flicks RZA first caught on his trips to Times Square to catch Kung-Fu movies back in the eighties, so it does serve a vague purpose in life unlike fifteen of the other twenty-seven songs on Wu-Tang Forever, the solo careers of U-God, Masta Killa and Inspectah Deck, or RZA's whole Bobby Digital alias experiment.

Black Shampoo begins with the movie's poker-faced hairdresser protagonist Mr Jonathan rinsing away the stench of bologna & wet dog from one of his moneyed white customers before he allows her to pleasure him as Gerald Lee's seedy funk-score builds to a crescendo in the background. Abundantly more radical than anything Spike Lee has ever committed to film and infinitely more erotic than any pornography made since Escort magazine's Girls of Wolverhampton photo shoot where Tina Holmes & Lisa Meredith got their baps and battys out in the Molineux Stadium car park, this is as immaculate an intro as Welles' hallowed opening sequences in Citizen Kane or Touch Of Evil :


‘You ain't never seen a man give head like this before’ as the movie's tagline really should've ran.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

I'm one helluva guy

Fly, pelican, fly!


Is there a more fascinating Rap career trajectory from the last decade than that of Hell Rell? From Kool G. Rap on The Symphony-ing the first Diplomatic Immunity album twice with his two over-the-phone-from-jail freestyles and setting himself up as the reincarnation of Rich Porter and Baby 'Maine in one, to his emergence into the sunlight as.... a lilliputian Craig Mack lookalike from the Bronx wearing three separate tall-tees simultaneously who then spent his prime years ripping off at least one Lox punchline per song before ending up as the ultimate butt of 'hood DVD/WSHH video jokes via Tru-Life, Prodigy, and Max B and French Montana. You don't have to be Brain the dog from Inspector Gadget to figure out that he couldn't possibly have been in jail at the time of Diplomatic Immunity since he tells some chick in the background to be quiet at the start of the second freestyle, so could the mysterious Ma in question have actually been his mother, thus giving the whole situation a sorry whiff of that scene in The King Of Comedy where Rupert puts together an audition tape for Jerry Lee Lewis in his basement-bedroom as his ma dukes screams at him to keep the noise down?

"Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - I'm not gonna lower it, I have to do this now!"


The greatest argument one can put forth that Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram are the pitchfork which'll eventually disembowel the entire internet is that, now they've become the three primary mediums Rappers use to exhibit their goonery/unintentionally embarrass themselves, classic video clips like Max & French Montana clowning Hell Rell, the legendary riposte to Tru-Life and Memphis Bleek by Hell Rell, a black-eyed Cam trying to talk shit whilst wearing a pair of Daisy Dukes, Gillie Da Kid calling out Wayne, Cassidy's super-awkward apology to Gillie, Chopper & his suit Vs. Ness, Charles Hamilton getting socked in the face by a chick, Beanie making rape-faces at Peedi Crakk and whispering sweet nothings into his ear, Tru-Life and his crew posing with Jim Jones' and JR Writer's stolen chains, and Lil B getting knocked out by a poof have all but dried up in 2012 but for the grace of Game. Like, two or three years ago, instead of taking a grainy Instagram picture of him getting dome that's only use is in making "Word is bond, son, I had that bitch down on my shit like DIS!" memes, a character like Chief Keef would've trolled his detractors by posting an explicit clip of him getting slurped and burped up on WSHH.com which ends with him staring dead-eyed into the camera and saying "BANG BANG!" as he shoots a wad over his ladyfriend's grill.

We went from 50 prank-calling Shyne and buying Rick Ross' baby-momma a couple of furs in exchange for his IRL deets and sexual favours, to Freddie Gibbs' Youtube tour-vlogs and Joey Bada$$' Tumblr page... this can't be life the Rap internet in 2012.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Cahiers du Rap Musik

If you thought Fat Lace magazine went back to the essence in 2001 before it's glorious internet rebirth in 2007, you best git ta knowin' that it actually carried on as a monthly column in HipHopConnection magazine for a year or so afterwards in the early noughties. Here's missive # 7 from the homie Greenpeace about some of his favourite forgotten golden-era 12"s including Listen To The Man by Kev-E-Kev & Ak-B, the blue mix of J.V.C F.O.R.C.E's Strong Island, and I Can't Go For That by Priority One :


This particular column is notable for 3 reasons : because it first put ya boy Agallah Christie right chea up on Hot Day Master Mix; because it was one of the early instances of the Random-Rap canon being established alongside various reviews on the old Spine Magazine site, a couple of Dave Thompkins' articles in Grand Slam magazine and such mix CDs as DJ Ivory's Hear No Evil and Fast Rap by Edan; and because Greeny actually plumped for a good Paul C production like Listen To The Man rather one of the many mediocre ones that the rest of all y'all rubes only sweat because they're rarer than songs on J.V.C F.O.R.C.E's second album where they didn't mention that they were the group who made Strong Island.

Friday, 14 September 2012

Late pass!


I lost my smile too when Rob Breezy put me onto HBK Gang's She's Ready last month since I'd been sleeping on a song that'd should've been part of the soundtrack to my summer, but the joke's on whoever's thinking "lol newjack!" because this shit was actually first uploaded online to complete apathy in summer 2010 which means you've dozed on it, motherfucker. I guess the song's producer Iamsu! re-sent it out to a bunch of blogs in january this year after Function had announced his existence to the world at large and the UP! remix was beginning to gain traction, and it's since gone on to become one of that collective's signature songs in the Bay and somewhat of a staple at Southern Hospitality's club nights in London even if it's not made much impact anywhere else :

"Back in the day n*ggas thought I was a weirdo
funny how the tables turned 'cause now I'm fuckin' their hoes"


HBK Gang - She Ready
(From the internet; 2010)


There's a rumour they've recently shot a video and plan to push it as the semi-follow-up to UP! which is good news since it's the most obvious single out of the whole HBK camp so far and it deserves way better than a combined total of 200, 000 views on its uploads to Youtube and a handful of 1 paragraph blog posts from january which don't even begin to touch on the genius of that sublime descending-chord progression or the catchiness of that Big Tymers-ish hook. Bit too late for it to become a summer smash now that we're all breaking out the 10.5 tog quilts, but, hopefully, this is destined for something - anything! - greater than its current standing.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Is Brendan Soderberg responsible for G-Side's ruination and demise?

Consider the facts, yo : it can't be a coincidence that the quality of G-Side's music nosedived and many of their fans deserted them once Brendan SODMGberg (allegedly) started taking backhanders from Codie G and consequently began pushing them as the poster boy alternative to regional thugs and coke rappers as a part of his whole "STREET RAP IS DYING, GUYS!!"-agenda, right? From that point forward they wore the mark of Cain as Rappers and the bells began to toll for their future as a duo, so their split yesterday comes as something as a relief.

The critical narrative that G-Side were this great albums group following in the lineage of UGK, 8Ball & MJG and OutKast was fucking laughable when most of the duo's projects suffered from their earnestness grating over the course of a full length, their penchant for shitty British singers leading to the ruin of many an otherwise good song, and their eagerness to Rap about their blogger buddies making for cringeworthy subject matter. That's not to say Starshipz & Rocketz and Huntsville International don't knock, but it's best to remember G-Side for songs like I Feel Like I Look, Strictly Business, Swangin', Who's Hood?, My Aura, Feel The and No Radio rather than for any of their 5 albums.

However, it's an often-forgotten appearance on a 2009 Country-Rap tune by the Rapper who does Bun B as a solo artist better than Bun B does Bun B as a solo artist that remains their finest moment in the opinion of ya boy Agallah The John Bishop right chea. Actually, I'll go one better than that, and say that No One Duz It Betta is the second best song to ever (loosely) emerge from the whole Huntsville scene after Jackie Chain's peerless Rollin' :

G. Mane ft. G-Side - No One Duz It Betta
(From Smoke Some Kill album; 2009)


When he's replaying his life on his deathbed, Burn One's greatest regret will be giving good beats to his personality-vacuum Joe-The-Rapper high school buddies like KD and Scotty when he could have given them all to the profusely more entertaining G. Mane instead.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Ayo brotherhood of Darlene

Has J-Zone done fucked-up by including Ice-T's High Rollers 12" sleeve in his The 50 Greatest Hip-Hop Single Covers list for Complex when it's just the Power LP cover minus Ice-T & Evil E and the gatefold sleeve gimmick?


I fully understand his personal attachment to the High Rollers cover because I share a similar affinity for Power's sleeve and the cover of Transvision Vamp's I Want Your Love 7", but as the patron saint of our confederacy of dunns, shouldn't the honourable brother 'Zone have chosen the I'm Your Pusher 12" sleeve instead since it gives us hitherto-unseen side shots of Darlene's titties and arse?


Over to you, brother Terry :


Obviously, the one area where High Rollers will always trump I'm Your Pusher is in the video department; the latter may have Ice channelling Eric Bristow's swag, but the former has the almighty sight of Darlene walking around Ice's pool and mansion like some sort of Weird Science wank-fantasy come to life :

Ice-T - High Rollers
(From Power album; 1988)

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Rhyme Paisley

Apropos of mentioning his knack for transforming pretty good songs into quasi-classics the second he lays vocals on them a couple of weeks back, here's another example of Jackie Chain's phonetic wizardry via Pacman from his split Interstate Muzik mixtape with that Shamrock whigga from The White Rapper Show. Take it away, Craic Mick and Jet Ki' :

Shamrock & Jackie Chain - Pacman
(From Interstate Muzik mixtape; 2012)


That beat is like Money (Dollar Bill Ya'll) re-modelled for Nelly's friend with a pole in the basement (no Joseph Fritzl), and had Pacman been billed as ‘a new banger by Jackie Chain & some Huntsville second-stringer who happens to be black!’ then I dare say a few of our self-hating white blogger buddies stateside would've been all over this already because you'd never guess that Jackie's sharing track-time with some plastic-paddy wegro here from listening to the song pellmell. Still, a Jackie solo version and a Danny Boyz-N-The-Hood remix where Shamrock teams up with a proper paddy reality TV contestant Rapper like Spiral the sex-pest from series 7 of Big Brother would both go down a treat like those 2 chicks who got hypnotized into taking a toot on the evil Irish gnome's blue-veined flute in Leprechaun In The Hood.

Yo, remember how the object of Spoiral's affections, Aisleyne, later went on to date Mike Tyson? The noughties were a bizarre fucking decade, mang.

Monday, 10 September 2012

Lemme put my memory stick in your USB port, baby


Who knew Newcleus were still recording music up until Chilly B's death in 2010 or that Morgan Khan had resurrected his Street Sounds record label with a series of new compilations back in 2009? Not me on either front until my ace boon goon Larry Eard came across Programmed 4 L.O.V.E recently. It seems implausible that Newcleus could make another Electro classic in 2009 when they'd just spent the previous 24 years releasing sub-Snap/C&C Music Factory shite after their Space Is The Place sophomore album flopped in 1985 but it's true, oh, it's damn true :

Newcleus - Programmed 4 L.O.V.E
(From Nu-Electro Volume 1 album; 2009)


There's a definite Juan Atkins influence to Progammed 4 L.O.V.E with its theme of computer-sex, and its mix of warm cascading textures and unyielding techno-thump, which is fine by moi since I've always been more of a Computer Age (Push The Button) kinda guy than a Jam On It type of fella. Don't worry, though, luddite Rap dudes, because there's the mother of all scratch breakdowns at 3:57 where Cozmo D sounds like he's using a bionic-DJ Cut Creator APP to let loose on his decks. Ultimately, this is the soundtrack to getting head from Booey Bubblehead as you take a joyride around Saturn's rings in a stolen spaceship.

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Drugz ain't nuttin' but problemz

Rap game chonging raver in the Party-Hard-And-Grind-Your-Teeth GIF!!!!!!!!

"Yeah, I'm trippin'
pills got a n*gga's teeth grittin', I'm trippin'
think I'd got a backpack the way a n*gga trippin'
n*ggas got a problem with me, dawg, then I'm trippin' 'til I fall"


Problem - Trippin'
(From Welcome To Mollywood 2 mixtape; 2012)


Figured I should probably check out Problem's second Welcome To Mollywood 2 'tape since I was so enamoured with T.O from the first one. Bit disappointed that his ol' Juvenile soundin' ass ad libs and DJ Mustard's production are both conspicuous by their absence, but, damn, this kid is really gassin' now with his flair for zingers and perculiar turns of phrase as evidenced on Trippin' here. A lil' tip for all aspiring Rap producers out there : a simple air-raid siren sample can turn a 7/10 jam into a 10/10 classic.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Reasons why I love Youtube # 33

Hooooooooooooooooooooly shit, it's amazing footage of a 1990 Elektra Records showcase called the Hard To The Left Rap Party featuring Brand Nubian and the first ever live performances by KMD, Pete Rock & CL Smooth (introduced by Heavy D and DMC!) and Leaders Of The New School. Apparently shot by Ralph McDaniels and DJ Iran :








Not had a chance to watch the KMD and L.O.N.S footage yet, but the Brand Nubian and Pete & CL performances are golden. Highlights include Puba instructing the crowd to chant "I ain't white!" at the end of of All For One and CL Smooth's distressed Canadian-tuxedo.

Friday, 7 September 2012

R.I.P Matthew Africa

Long before Matthew and I started corresponding, I was a fan of his mixes so it blew me away that thee master of records himself would ever read my rambling mess of a blog when he first popped up in the comment section here dropping Werner Herzog-related Rap puns. As well as his mixes and our chats about music, movies and blogger gossip, I loved that Matthew was a white guy with the surname Africa, the way he provided the perfect counterbalance to Serg Dunn's noxiousness on the Stay Hatin' podcasts, and the fact that he was the only person on the internet who could tell me that Bailey's Fuck Yo' Couch and Play It Loud by KLC, Fiend & Calicoe were released on 12" and I'd believe him without a second's hesitation despite their absence from Discogs. He was that dude.

Over the past decade it's become tragically uncool to be a 30-something white guy into old Rap records due to the unholy triumvirate of Wicked22, AC Tha Program Director and Jaz, so Matthew was an inspirational figure for me in that he proved you don't suddenly wake up as an autistic Dooley-O fan in a camouflage Jansport on the morning of your 35th birthday if you still enjoy digging for wax, and if you ever found a record he wasn't already familiar with, you felt like a champ because you knew you'd gotten your hands on some legitimately slept-on shit. That said, the highest honour I can possibly pay Matthew is that he put me onto my favourite new old-Rap song I've heard in the past 5 years, and listening to it now has me weeping buckets for the first time since the "Am I a man or am I a Muppet? scene in the Muppet movie. Thanks, buddy :

The Deliquents ft. B-Legit & Richie Rich - Bitch N*ggas
(From Bosses Will Be Bosses album; 1999)

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Strictly 4 my H.I.T.T.A.Z

Like that chick from the basketball court battle scene in Wild Style sez - see, I told y'all :

"All this money in my bag got me feelin' bossy
all this ice in my ears got me feelin' frosty
They was asleep now they up like they drinkin' coffee
got your man on my clit, I can't get him off me"


Katie Got Bandz - Check A Bag
(From Bandz & Hittaz mixtape; 2012)


Firstly, between Katie Got Bandz, Jackie Chain, and my AZN bff 2$hin, chiggas are straight up Slim Thug-ing the Rap game in 2012. Secondly, I'm having difficulty getting through Bandz & Hittaz in its entirety because I just wanna jam the loopy opening track Check A Bag until the cows come home. Thirdly, why has Katie re-recorded I Need A Hitta with more a more lively set of vocals and a slightly refurbished beat when her deadpan delivery and the incidental-music-from-an-episode-of-Freddy's-Nightmares gumshoe production of the original were crucial to its unique charm? Fourthly, I'm killing two related topics with one post tonight because here's another important update on people Katie's been compared to in the I Need A Hitta comment section recently :



Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Troop! Paid In Full! 4-finger rings! etc etc zzzzzzz!

Realistically, there are only two types of back-in-the-day joints in Rap : you've got the ones crammed full of emotionally-rich vignettes about life as a shorty in the 'hood which are so vividly detailed that they can put you right there in the shoes of their writer, and then there's the other 98% where you'll find dudes rhyming "boombox" with "pop-locked" and "hopscotch" for the ten billionth time. Essentially, This new Twista cut amounts to a 70% from column B/30% from column A ratio, and yet, somehow, it still jams :

"I remember when the walls had graffiti on it
took a look at 'em next summer now they got G.D on it"


Twista - I'm Old School
(From Reloaded mixtape; 2012)


I really want to loathe this song since Twista just lazily reels off a caboodle of generic old-school signifiers like brickphones, dookie ropes and furry Kangols, before almost torpedoing it entirely with that heinous "pop-locking, my True Religions look like bellbottoms" line which might possibly replace Beanie Siegal's "girls rule the world, shit, that's what Beyon' say/where your destiny lies, that's Beyonce" rhyme from the otherwise impeccable Kush Dreaming as the worst Rap lyric of 2012. Problem is, Twista uses some very striking imagery in this, the beat sounds like it was gaffled from a folder called ‘hard-boiled instrumentals that Fat Trel really needs to Rap over’, and he has the decency not to use the phrase ‘real Hip-Hop’ in either of his verses so the song ends up being an unlikely minor-triumph.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Ayo Jackie Chain

Since the bigwigs at Universal are too stupid to realise that they been had your monster-hit in-waiting for over a year already with Molly, can you record a song over the K-Klass remix of Bobby Brown's Two Can Play That Game and then use it as the big crossover pop single which finally convinces your employers to give I Ain't Slept In Weeks a release date?

Bobby Brown - Two Can Play That Game (K Klassic Mix)
(From Two Can Play That Game album; 1995)


In other news, I haven't really got 'owt to say about Gunplay's 601 & Snort mixtape since most of its highlights had leaked beforehand leaving us with little more than a few new freestyles over old Wu-Tang instrumentals and the like (southerners Rapping over Boom-Bap in 2012? THAT'S THAT BORING CANONICAL SHIT I DON'T LIKE!), so I'm gonna trawl Discogs for the next half hour in the vain hope that K-Klass have a slew of early 90s Hip-House remixes instead. Pray 4 me.

Monday, 3 September 2012

Disco stew

I'm not sure who should be the most embarrassed about sleeping on Disco Four's Throwdown : the Ego Trip gang for not including it in their top 40 Rap singles of 1983 list, or ya boy Mansplain Jane right chea for only discovering it recently when I love pre-1985 Harlem-Rap like South Park Mexican loves pre-pubescent girls? At least I've got a legitimate excuse for my tardiness since I gave up investigating Disco Four's catalogue after blindly shelling out a tenner for the worst 12" Enjoy Records ever released, whereas Ego Trip's merry band of Rap scholars need to come clean and admit they done fucked up since their 1983 list features such utter tripe as Games Females Play by Gigolette, Dog Talk by K9 Corps & Freddy C, and - let's not front here because it's only notable for the "OH MY GOD!" sample - Punk Rock Rap by the Coldcrush Brothers.

"Attention Disco Four, attention Disco Four!
We have a positive ten-thirteen in progress with a report of a party not being rocked!
Please respond, please respond!"


Disco Four - Throwdown
(From Throwdown 12"; 1983)


Like Coldcrush, Disco Four were one of those old-school groups with a fearsome live reputation who spent their recording career struggling to translate their on-stage routines into song format, but this is the crew's one record where their Rapping and their ye olde Harlem harmonizing really congealed, and for that we can probably thank Rap's first genuine production auteur, Pumpkin. Composed and played by him, Throwdown is similar to Pumpkin's other great 1983 production in that it's got a stonking Seinfeld theme type slap-bass at the song's centre and it serves as the transition point between his earlier disco band-Rap original compositions for Spoonie Gee and his later Electro-tinged productions like the Profile Records posse-cut Here Comes That Beat and Coldcrush's only true classic Fresh, Wild, Fly And Bold, a song he ghost-produced alongside various other 1983/1984 Tuff City singles which Aaron Fuschs inevitably took the credit for.

Favourite line in the song? C'mon now - it's gotta be "because I been summoned to arrest y'all for party-poopin' up against the wall" since it's one of the quintessential wallflower-disses by a Harlem Rapper alongside Ma$e's "while you stand on the wall, hand on your balls/lightin' up drawls, always fightin' in the club/I'm the reason they made the dress-code, they figured I wouldn't wild when I'm in my French clothes" from Feel So Good, innit?

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Ayo The Guardian

Your writing about Tumblr-derived neo-Rap really is the seagull which just keeps on cacking out golden sploshes of poop on some Birdsdo episode of Round The Twist type, um, shit. Taken from yesterday's Return of the hip-hop crew piece by Kieran Yates :


And that concludes my case why British women shouldn't ever be allowed to write about Rap, y'honour. I jest of course because Paul Lester will forever be the chief offender in comparing any Rapper who doesn't sound like Waka Flocka Flame to some artsy-fartsy cracka who was active between the years of 1967 to 1987, and every Guardian piece on Rappers inevitably ends up as a repository for comments from blokes like this cretin :


Food for thought, indeed. Let's all thank dibba-dabba-dinosaur-Rappin'-ass Mos Def for taking time out of his hectic schedule schedule of copping $700 Visvim chinos and $2000 CdG HOMME jackets from Union L.A to take a stand against the crass opulence of N*ggas In Paris, eh? FIGHT THE POWER, YELTSIN BEY!!!!

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Reasons why I love Youtube # 32

Damn, A$AP Mob, you know the dream is over when even Dozer Sr. AKA Anthony Fantasic Damage is bodying you and your lazy pin-the-tail-on-the-regional-Rap-style-before-ruining-it musical aesthetic :


Why is A$AP Yams even wasting his time with these empty vessels from his camp who are bereft of the charisma and talent to see his plan come to fruition when he could just, y'know, go for self? I'm not just saying that because A$AP Ferg recently called me a homosexual and instructed me to suck his penis either : the A$AP Rappers have the personalities of wet mops, and Feelin' Thugged Out has way more replay value than anything from Lord$ Never Worry or LiveLoveA$AP.

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