Underrated video hoes # 1

Handshakes turn to hugs and hugs turn to quick tugs in this occasional new series where we celebrate the slept-on hotties from Rap videos who you should probably rub one out to at least once before you're taken back to the essence like Yelawolf's career. We begin with that bushy-haired bird from Egyptian Lover's Freak-A-Holic video who looked like all the sexiest elements of a young Diana Ross and the late 70's Vanessa Del Rio at the same damn time. It didn't matter whether you were a black L.A clubgoer or a pasty European teenager because old girl was an Electro-Funk Medusa who could turn your dick to stone with a single glance, and her crotch-grinding skillz are still unparalleled in Rap videos nearly 30 years later :

Yo, can we pinpoint the very first Rap video to feature scantily-clad chicks gyrating for the camera then? The early clips from Sugarhill Gang and Kurtis Blow featured dancing chicks but they were always fairly covered up, so I can't currently think of anything which pre-dates the horde of birds in bikinis in She's On It by the Beasties. Surely some fucking saltines can't have been the originators of the fabled Rap video-hoe? SAY IT AIN'T SO, INTERNET?????

And the winner of SPIN magazine's # 1 rap song of 2012 goes to..

What, you thought Zone'n by Ty Dolla $ign couldn't be topped as far as revolting 2012 Rap songs about date-rape go? Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Drug Dat Hoe by 2 SODMG coke mules :

John Boy & Shawty Boy - Drug Dat Hoe
(From t'internet; 2012)


Remix coming soon featuring Das Racist, the 2pac hologram, Tom Cruise's character in Knight And Day, and Ched Evans!

Kool G. Rap was the 2nd rapper with a lisp to go to Rawkus after an unsuccessful major label career

And this shit is the 2nd Fiend and Mouse On Tha Track collaboration within the space of a week, as well as the 2nd song where Mouse references Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rihanna and the 2nd best Rap song from a Trill ENT artiste with the word Slap in its title :

Fiend ft. Mouse On Tha Track - Slap That Bitch
From N.O To The B.R Volume 10 (Bayou Classic Edition) mixtape; 2012


As great as Get High, Get Loaded is, it's good to hear a Fiend & Mouse On Tha Track collaboration which sounds exactly like what you'd expect a collaboration between the two of them would sound like. Right this very moment, a Mouse song featuring Jackie Chain or vice versa would be the Rap equivalent of Hulk Hogan Vs. The Rock at Wrestlemania 18 for ya boy Dinos Goldie Loc right chea.

Hooray for Clyde Carson!

Not only is he responsible for the best Bay Area single of the year, his new street album type thing contains a song which sounds like a John Barry remix of that very single with an awesome guest verse from B-Legit that's just inspired me to listen to 43 11 times in a row and counting :

"Don't get caught in the moment
I wouldn't condone it
Never give up your name
that ain't part of the game"

Clyde Carson ft. B-Legit - Let Me Know
(From S.T.S.A. (Something To Speak About) album; 2012)

Reasons why I love Youtube # 35

Well, knock me down with a copy of Lootpack's LP, I never knew there was a video for Biz's joint from that German label who also released 45 King & Common's Car Horn 12". Props to Biz for clearing insisting his cartoon persona is 100x more aesthetically pleasing than his real life visage and the reference to his mythical bell-less copy of Mardi Gras :

Biz Markie - Turn Tha Party Out
(From Superrappin: The Album Vol II album; 2001)


Yo, remember when Biz set about horrifying Borks and AC Tha Program Director-type purists by extolling the virtues of It's All About The Benjamins as one of the greatest club records of all time in Big Daddy/Grand Slam magazine in 2001 and doing songs with Puffy over Down By Law from the Wild Style soundtrack in 2003? Good times, man.

Tuesday is Trill ENT day

So, Webbie just released a crappy new mixtape of throwaway rhymes over really obvious current industry beats called Sweet Jones Jr. that I skimmed through so you don't have to, while Mouse On Tha Track finally dropped his Millionaire Dreamzzz 'tape chocked full of incredible melodic Baton Rogue pop-stomper tremendos with guest spots from Mystikal and Fiend, and all I can do is sit here aghast that Turk & Mel are letting Mouse and Foxx give away all this amazing music for free whilst letting Webbie release half-arsed retail albums like Savage Life 3.

The song with Fiend is a highlight since it sounds like absolutely nothing else in Mouse's catalogue and instead bears more of a resemblance to two shitfaced middle-aged blokes on a piano drunkenly attempting to sing Fats Domino standards in a New Orleans dive bar at 11:30 on a tuesday morning. A preferable alternative to yet another Fiend & Curren$y song over a Menahan Street Band instrumental at this point, and I quite fancy the idea of Mouse doing a whole EP in this style with guest spots from Juvenile, Foxx, and Young Bleed :

Mouse On Tha Track ft. Fiend - Get High, Get Loaded
(From Millionaire Dreamzzz mixtape; 2012)

Rap Game Brandon Sales

You know how Never Did by Rich Kidz failed to make much impact IRL when it should've been as big as Ca$hin' Out or Ayy Ladies earlier this year? Can someone plz wrong that right and make sure In The Car from the new Rich Kidz 'tape is the biggest ATL Rap hit of 2013 because it's everything great about Travis Porter's fruity ATL-Rap and Ty$'s Rap & Bullshit distilled into a single song :

"..and I ain't even asked you for your number
I just wanna do it in the hummer.."

Rich Kidz - In The Car
(From Straight Like That 3 mixtape; 2012)


Anyone who can answer what the fat third member of Rich Kidz actually contributes to the group other than dancing awkwardly in their videos wins a special prize of some minging peppermint flavoured green tea I bought by accident thinking it was just the regular variety a few weeks ago. It tastes like a pack of polo mints dissolving in a cup of warm 5 day old piss but it's very good for weight loss according to the packaging.

Bestest 2 rap songs of the last 7 days

"Fuck you n*ggas with a horse's cock
I'm takin' mine off the top
whores watch as we board the yacht like George C. Scott"

Roc Marciano - We Ill
(From Reloaded album; 2012)


In which Roc Marciano gives a lesson to Jay Electronica in how you're supposed to rhyme on percussion-free production without sounding like Mindbender Futurama's Mindbender Loves You show over a beat which sounds like the score for some mythical James Bond Vs. Jim Jump from King Of New York spin-off movie. Still not sold on Marciano as a great album artist given some of his supine choices in production, but when he does get it right, he makes N.Y Rap sound effortless again.

"I want action, n*gga, gunclappin', n*gga
flex up and I'm whackin' n*ggas
these hoes like action figures : no brain, heart, and no passion' in 'em"

Bo Deal ft. Zed Zilla - Nothin' Like Me
(From Welcome To Klanville mixtape; 2012)


In which Bo Deal continues his recent one-hot-song-every-mixtape average and Zed Zilla partially redeems himself after his dismal Rents Due 2 mixtape. I got two related questions with this one : who'd a thunk Bo Deal would be the only good Brick Squad weed-carrier still knocking out the odd good tune in late 2012, and is it true that that Zed Zilla is the Rapper $tarlito takes multiple subliminal shots at on Clap For Him? You know who you are, we know who you ain't etc.

Are Das Racist and their manager the Rap Game Terry Richardson?

Think about it, yo : in the same way rapey Richardson has Anna Wintour threatening the girls he molested that their modelling careers are finished unless they keep schtum, the two sexual-predators from Das Racist and their alleged rapist manager have had Julienne Shepherd from SPIN Magazine (who just happens to be dating Dap from Das Racist) keep the sexual-assault allegations about them out of the Rap media.

Whether this means Julienne's fellow SPIN scribe Brendan Sodeberberg is Grace Coddlington or André Leon Talley depends entirely on how closely you paid attention to the Vogue office power dynamics in The September Issue. Whatever the case, the pair of them are a couple of stooges protecting a trifecta of sleazy sexual-predators, so it's now impossible to take Shepherd seriously as a feminist when she's sold her fellow woman out at the expense of her Rapper boyfriend & his pals, and Soderberg sure has some nerve complaining about Lupe Fiasco's mansplaining when he's part of the rapist-sympathising SPIN cabal that's swept a sexual-assault story under the carpet in order to protect three of their Rap industry buddies.

Related : And the winner of SPIN magazine's # 1 Rap song of 2012 goes to..

The millennium Palko

I know we're supposed to hail Agent Orange as Cage's artistic apex, but I'll be damned if I'm riding for any song which starts with the line "I'm against the machine like Rage"; Dude should've stepped his 90's Rap-metal similes up and at least come with something creative like "I'll leave your mouth with no fronts like Dog Eat Dog!" instead, right? The original version of 54 (minus the cumbersome breakdowns of the LP version) my man Dan is actually the best record Cage ever made and it's his masterpiece because it sounded absolutely nothing like anything else he'd made at that point, possibly because he was still deluded enough to think that he could compete with Slim Shady-era Eminem :

Cage - 54 (original version)
(From 54 12"; 1999)


In reality, the best Cage could've hoped for back at the turn of the millennium was a really good undie N.Y Rap solo album in the vein of Scaramanga's 7 Eyes, 7 Horns LP, made from the best Mighty Mi and Alchemist beats from the Smut Peddlers LP and the 4 Mondee beats from the Yak Ballz EP. Alas, it wasn't to be and Cage's only real achievements of note after 54 were his embarrassingly hilarious identity-crisis after he discovered The Hives and checkerboard slip-ons at the age of 32, and his bankrupting of Def Jux after his Suicide Boy-bait album that El-P bet his entire label's budget on tanked spectacularly.

A message to all white American Rap bloggers still blessing the internet with their thoughts on U.S politics

Courtesy of the nastiest and duttiest track Sean Peeeeeeeeeee has been involved in since Fuck Dat Rapper and Da Art Of Disrespekinazation in 2008 :

Sean Price - STFU Part 2
(From Mic Tyson album; 2012)


The final word on the 2012 American election can only fall to the blog game Afrika Sukhbaatar who continues to bring that Mongolia Clap to every plump Yenta in north London :

20 great non-2012 Rap songs I discovered in 2012

Token bi-monthly generic vanity list in the vein of this post from last year. Feel free to drop some gems you've caught late passes for in the '012 too on some I Share, We All Share type shit. Unless, that is, you're Wicked22 - then you can git ta steppin' and go slash your wrists with your Damu The Fudgemunk REAL VINYL NOT MP3S!!! :

DB Tha General - Gas (2007)
Chinx Drugz ft. French Montana - All About My Money (2010)
Boo ft. Maxminelli & J-Von - Ima (1999)
Grand Puba - Time To Put It On (199?)
Jackie Chain - Molly (2011)
Young Squad - Break Me Off (2008)
All $tar - $tarlito's Way (2007)
J-Buc & Lil' Cali - Stuck up (2011)
Disco Four - Throwdown (1983)
Ike Eyes - Blue Roxies (2011)
Duddy Ken & Attitude - Valet (2003)
A-Mafia - I Ain't Playin' (2004)
Newcleus - Programmed 4 L.O.V.E (2009)
TREE - Trouble (2011)
Black Rob ft. The Lox - Can I Live? (alternate 12" version) (1999)
Maceo - Ho Sit Down (2006)
Lord Finesse - Inconsiderate Females (1989)
Handy ft. Box & Webbie - Mobbin' In Them Old Schools (2005)
HBK Gang - She Ready (2010)
Latee ft. Prince Naiquan & E-Marvelous - Who Rips The Sound (199?)

Martorial elegance # 66

^^^^^ This is why amateur Rap vlogging is currently light years ahead of aspiring professional music-critic vlogging, folks - FrankieThaLuckyDog breaks out a secrete & rare 1-of-1 Rest In Peace Lil' Phat ringer tee for his live video review of the Lil' Trill & Shell album; whereas Anthony Fantano squeezes his tubby moobed torso into smedium Death Grips merchandise-stand tees for his Youtube reviews, and shamelessly continues to Dana Dane his internet forefather Filipino Frank AKA Dozer AKA Chinese Cog by rockin' t-shirts with neckholes that are more stretched-out than Peter Schibetta's butthole :

Ayo ANU # 4

You gonna post something from the Lil' Trill & Shell album or is that dubious honour left to me?

So, it was inevitable that Lil' Trill would finally make a song I like on his new duo album with perennial Trill ENT coffee-boy Shell, just like it was inevitable that said song would be one that Mouse On Tha Track has worked his magic on. What's unexpected here is that it's the Mouse production he doesn't lend his vocals to for a chorus; instead, it uses a recurring word gimmick hook like Boosie's Bullshit that challenges you not to soak your jocks laughing every time you hear it because it's the most silly noise I've heard on a Rap song since Lil' Trill's pre-pubescent 2008/2009 voice :

"If you a hatin' type n*gga you should drown in mud"

Lil' Trill & Shell - Me
(From By Any Means Necessary album; 2012)